25 Things Kanye Offered Before Settling his Assault Case

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jan. 29, 2014

If you recall, Kanye West recently punched a dude for hurling insults at him and his fetus holder Kim Kardashian. In a shocking twist, this is one case in which I have to agree with Kanye’s actions – the dude he punched was being a total asshole and talked some dirty smack and deserved a pop in the jaw.  Unfortunately I’m free to say that as a guy who uses coupons to buy socks because I have nothing anyone wants.  Kanye has millions of dollars so when he punches someone they can smile a gap-toothed smile all the way to the bank, just like his victim who’s getting about $250,000.  Not a bad pay day for being a jerk.

Of course Kanye can spare the cash, but that doesn’t mean he wants to.  Odds are Kanye’s lawyers had to haggle a little to settle on that price.  So what was offered first?

  1. The blooper reel to Kim’s sex tape
  2. One night with Khloe
  3. His Teen Choice Award
  4. A box of $120 plain, white t-shirts
  5. 1 Ultra rare, barely used Louis Vuitton unicorn leather carry-all
  6. A handjob or 60 minutes of watching Kanye try to rhyme something with handjob
  7. A Swarovski crystal dildo that has Kanye’s image carved into it
  8. An unused Subway Club card
  9. First choice of anything in Kim and Kanye’s trash before TMZ gets to it
  10. Leather and velvet underpants designed by Kanye
  11. A beanbag chair made to look like Falcor from the Neverending Story, also designed by Kanye
  12. A non-exhaustive list of people Kanye thinks are racist
  13. Kanye’s DNA either on a toothbrush or a sock
  14. A  cameo in Kanye’s next video, provided it’s not Claymation
  15. Junior Mints
  16. A copy of Macklemore’s album, signed by Kanye
  17. A used pair of Keds
  18. Access to the truth about what happened to Bruce Jenner’s face
  19. One perfectly good ham bone, suitable for soup making
  20. A rare screen test of Kanye auditioning for the role of Madea
  21. Kanye’s rare country album
  22. Enough psilocybin to see the world the way Kanye does
  23. Taylor Swift’s home number, for prank purposes
  24. One vial of Kanye’s sweat, harvested after attempting to play Trivial Pursuit with all three Kardashian sisters
  25. Any one of Kanye’s prized stool samples that he keeps jarred in a Las Vegas storage locker
legacy27 User

Kim's sex tape blooper reel... I though the whole thing was a blooper reel.

Jecee Eburrlee
Jecee Eburrlee

Maybe we will get lucky and someone will kill both him and Kim..fingers crossed!

Matt Cappy
Matt Cappy

WTF is going on with Kim's plastic ass face? The Botox is beating the facial expressions straight off her face!!

Mason Pimpslap
Mason Pimpslap

I am not surprised at any of those offers. I woulda took the macklemore album signed by kanye.

Trisha Leeann Self
Trisha Leeann Self

Let's hope he decides to part with Kim. They r no match. And in this pic Kim needs to put her boobs back into her shirt. Or better yet put on a more appropriate shirt

Greenheat User

Well, Junior Mints ARE very refreshing...

Jorge Lpz
Jorge Lpz

Estos dos hacen la pareja perfecta. Dios los cría y ellos se juntan.

Lenny Hom
Lenny Hom

Break.com, this is really, really weak...

John Stags
John Stags

He keeps poop jarred up in a storage facility in vegas?! Feel bad if he stops payin n it goes to auction! Haha

Justo Constant
Justo Constant

Or the best part of them dripped down their moms leg onto the floor

Dana Miller
Dana Miller

Who cares. They are both sperm their mothers should have swallowed.

Chauntele Kinne
Chauntele Kinne

kim looks like shit...she needs to stop with the botox

Lola Lebron
Lola Lebron

Que carajo le paso en la boca a Kim?

doggin6 UserTop Commenter

who made this crap up?  not one this was remotely funny.

The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

Lame list. Otherwise, I thought the article was fine.

Needles_Malloy User

Who is Kanye West? He must not be important enough for me to have ever heard of him. 

jbart321 User

Nah, Kanye and that dumb broad deserved the insults.

straybeat User

Esas son las estrías.