25 Things Kanye Offered Before Settling his Assault Case

If you recall, Kanye West recently punched a dude for hurling insults at him and his fetus holder Kim Kardashian. In a shocking twist, this is one case in which I have to agree with Kanye’s actions – the dude he punched was being a total asshole and talked some dirty smack and deserved a pop in the jaw.  Unfortunately I’m free to say that as a guy who uses coupons to buy socks because I have nothing anyone wants.  Kanye has millions of dollars so when he punches someone they can smile a gap-toothed smile all the way to the bank, just like his victim who’s getting about $250,000.  Not a bad pay day for being a jerk.

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Of course Kanye can spare the cash, but that doesn’t mean he wants to.  Odds are Kanye’s lawyers had to haggle a little to settle on that price.  So what was offered first?

  1. The blooper reel to Kim’s sex tape
  2. One night with Khloe
  3. His Teen Choice Award
  4. A box of $120 plain, white t-shirts
  5. 1 Ultra rare, barely used Louis Vuitton unicorn leather carry-all
  6. A handjob or 60 minutes of watching Kanye try to rhyme something with handjob
  7. A Swarovski crystal dildo that has Kanye’s image carved into it
  8. An unused Subway Club card
  9. First choice of anything in Kim and Kanye’s trash before TMZ gets to it
  10. Leather and velvet underpants designed by Kanye
  11. A beanbag chair made to look like Falcor from the Neverending Story, also designed by Kanye
  12. A non-exhaustive list of people Kanye thinks are racist
  13. Kanye’s DNA either on a toothbrush or a sock
  14. A  cameo in Kanye’s next video, provided it’s not Claymation
  15. Junior Mints
  16. A copy of Macklemore’s album, signed by Kanye
  17. A used pair of Keds
  18. Access to the truth about what happened to Bruce Jenner’s face
  19. One perfectly good ham bone, suitable for soup making
  20. A rare screen test of Kanye auditioning for the role of Madea
  21. Kanye’s rare country album
  22. Enough psilocybin to see the world the way Kanye does
  23. Taylor Swift’s home number, for prank purposes
  24. One vial of Kanye’s sweat, harvested after attempting to play Trivial Pursuit with all three Kardashian sisters
  25. Any one of Kanye’s prized stool samples that he keeps jarred in a Las Vegas storage locker