As if getting a tree with loads of presents underneath wasn’t enough, one of the best things about Christmas time as a kid was the Advent Calendar. If you’re not familiar, an Advent Calendar is used to count down the days in December until Christmas during the Advent season (which is the time of waiting for Jesus birthday). When you’re young time moves like a DMV worker processing paper work and Christmas presents are like little boxes of Krokodil that you can’t wait to tear into. That’s where Advent Calendars come in! The calendars help the little ones calm their nerves getting their Christmas present fix. You can buy a paper one at the drug store with cute images of Santa and Frosty the Snow man covering them, all preloaded with cheap chocolate in little windows that flap open.
Some people get all Martha Stewarty and make their own weird
Kama Sutra Advent Calendar
Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like getting a back sprain while performing a “Reverse Sitting Squirrel” with your sexual partner. Now with the Kama Sutra Advent Calendar (which you can buy here) you can count down to the holy holiday by trying out new ways each day to get into the “holiest of holies.”
Beer Advent Calendar
This Holiday Season drink yourself twenty five beers! Now I am not advocating that you consume them all at once; the trick to not being labeled an alcoholic is to drink just enough to still be functional but not overdo it. That’s why a beer Advent Calendar will help you maintain by giving you a beer (or three) a night. This way, by the time Christmas Day rolls around you’ll be good and buzzed and able to tolerate spending time with your family!
Advent Calendar of Guns
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me: twelve guns a blasting! Loaded in an “Advent Calendar – Gun Safe” you will have the Christmas spirit in your heart and Rudolph in your sights with this calendar perfect for every outdoorsman. Loaded with brand new revolvers, shotguns and ammunition this is the first ever NRA approved Advent Calendar!
Burrito Advent Calendar
You will be singing Feliz Navidad with an Advent Calendar full of yummy burritos! What a better way to count down the days until the arrival of Christmas than with the arrival of beef and guacamole in your mouth. Only unlike chocolate treats, these Mexican goodies could give you the gift of vomit if you let the cheese sit out for too long. On day number 24 you might want to check that your burrito calendar hasn’t started to mold.
Gingerbread House of Horrors Advent Calendar
This one is great because it combines two Christmas traditions: the Advent Calendar and the gingerbread house! With little gingerbread people living inside you can slowly terrorize and torture them, ripping apart their home day by day until nothing is left to consume but the gingerbread people themselves. When the home that they have known all their lives is left in shambles, torn down by your vicious fingers and they are at their lowest, completely mentally broken is when they will taste the best. First eat the gingerbread woman and make the gingerbread man watch, knowing all too well that he is next and cannot escape this fate. You are their God. You are their world. Pretend that you can hear their gingerbread scented screams and cries as you fall asleep each night. Merry Christmas!