Famed fingerless juicer and one-time ball player Jose Canseco just went Neil Degrasse Tyson on us all by offering up his thoughts on the Rosetta/Philae mission. And if you think Jose Canseco has nothing to offer a scientific discussion about landing on comets, man are you mistaken. Turns out Canseco knows all kinds of stuff about comets. Take a look at this series of tweets;
Every single one of these tweets is brilliant. Let’s break them down one at a time to fully enjoy what Dr. Canseco has to say.
In reverse order, his first tweet was “comet transport is the key to our survival.” No additional context to this statement is provided so we have to take it as it is. Our survival depends on moving around on comets. Will comets take us to someplace awesome? Apparently yes. We will die if we stay on earth and refuse to ride comets.
“Galactic Beings have used comets as star taxis for eons.” This is especially enlightening because who knew? Dr. Canseco has gone Guardians of the Galaxy for this one and gotten in touch with people like Galactus to find out what comets are used for beyond our solar system. Most lazy scientists might tell you that, since we don’t even have evidence of life anywhere else in the universe yet, to suggest any other beings would be using comets to travel around seems pretty far fetched. And that’s not taking into account how completely unreliable a comet would be as a form of transportation. How do you use the damn thing? Where’s it going? What happens if it hits something? Why not just use the vessel you used to get to the comet? Shut up!
“Comets are faster than anything we could ever build and have their own power solving (our) two problems.” Now on this one some of you cynical types might stop and say “if a comet is faster than anything we can build, how did Rosetta catch it? And what the hell does he mean by power?” Well, keep your silly questions to yourself and just trust that the damn things are fast and clearly they have some power because look, they’re flying. Duh.
How Jose Canseco understands comets.
Canseco next breaks down the awesome potential of catching comets because it will open up galactic tourism and trade, as well as planet colonies and interstellar trade. We’re already trading with aliens! This is amazing. And of course the only thing holding us back from galactic tourism was being able to ride on an ice ball through space. Has NASA hired this man yet?
Finally, Canseco lays it out in terms Donald Trump would be proud of. “If earth can control the comet transport system, we will run the Milkyway. Think about that.” Think about that indeed. For reference, it takes light about 3.2 years to get from one side of our solar system (that’s just our little section of 9 planets and the sun) to the other. To cross the Milky Way galaxy would take 100,000 years. That’s at the speed of light. And if we harness comet transport, we’ll run all of that! Can you believe it?!
If the speed of light is too daunting, remember that Voyager 1 has just hit the edge of our solar system after only 35 years in space. It didn’t cross the whole solar system, mind you, but it go to the edge of it. And it’s only travelling a million miles per day. For 35 years. All of these numbers just mean Jose Canseco is a math and physics whiz kid and in no time we’ll be running the entire universe, each of us riding our own, personal comet to the galactic grocery store where the employees will pry our long dead corpses out of the ice and replace them with awesome galactic goods to send off to wherever the hell that comet is going next since they don’t make return trips very often.
Thanks for your insight, Jose! You’re a treasure in any galaxy.