It Just Got Harder to Buy a Bazooka

PhilHaney by PhilHaney on Oct. 04, 2013


Future Break.com homepage.

What has become of America today that even our drug kingpins have become internet hipsters? Meet Ross William Ulbricht, a 29 year old former physics student from San Francisco who created Silk Road; a $1.2 billion dollar grossing online marketplace for the criminal underworld to buy and sell every kind of illegal drug imaginable in addition to firearms and computer hacking services. Raking in $80 million dollars for himself Ulbricht is like Mark Zuckerberg meets Heisenberg … all rolled in one big, fat spliff. Having founded Silk Road in 2011, he was arrested on October 2nd for “conspiracy to engage in narcotics trafficking, money laundering and computer hacking.”

Ulbricht modeled his illicit online crime empire after legitimate internet businesses like Ebay and Amazon. Think of it sort of like Netflix for illegal drugs and weapons!  Except instead of Breaking Bad in your delivery queue you have actual meth!  Over 13,000 ads on the site featured listings such as “"High Quality #4 Heroin All Rock" and "uncut crystal cocaine."  Wow, even Craigslist is blushing.

You see today’s crime bosses don’t have time to go down and sell their wares in the back alleys of America’s crime ridden neighborhoods. They want to roll like the big boys in Silicon Valley and have sleek offices where everyone sits on exercise balls, sipping soy teas and playing on the ping pong table in-between filling online shipments for heroin and ecstasy and monitoring the comments section for Silk Road users who are not trolling and being racist enough.

They take power naps in the sauna room before their afternoon social media strategy meetings: “For the latest deals on cocaine and AR-15’s be sure to follow us on Facebook and Twitter!”  I bet they even have a corporate retreat where the whole office goes on a trip to Columbia or the poppy fields of Afghanistan!  “Team building exercises” include a fun game of Russian Roulette… Karen from corporate development will be missed.  

Ross even had a LinkedIn page where his resume failed to mention some of his corporate achievements in online narcotics and firearms distribution yet made posts stating that he now has an antigovernment stance and his aim is to end "coercion and aggression" by creating "a world without the systemic use of force." I guess “aggression” and “force” don’t include attempting to hire hit men to have business partners murdered such as the FBI has accused him. Now that the feds have shut down Silk Road he will have plenty of time to solicit  endorsements on Linkedin in the areas of drug trafficking, money laundering and computer hacking.  

Have any of you had any experience with Silk Road? Don’t worry I’m not a narc.

Follow Phil @PhilHaney

17 comments
AWaugh
AWaugh User

The word "drugs" is abused.  If you're drinking a freaking soda right now you are consuming a drug.

Dion-Rivers-501
Dion-Rivers-501 User

"attempting to hire hit men to have business partners murdered such as the FBI has accused him." hope there not making that up

riky_v
riky_v User

They stopped selling guns on silk road a long time ago...

Matt-Kim-806
Matt-Kim-806 User

i often assume public corporations as being as corrosive to society as is profitable... and then this puts it all in perspective and i realize tumblr  isnt'  really that bad

Doin-It-Supreme
Doin-It-Supreme

Welp I guess we'll just have to go back to buying drugs on the streets again...

Julian-Yoopers
Julian-Yoopers User

what dah heck is that title! BREAK you should change it ffs

gynecologist
gynecologist

@AWaugh Yep.  Same with the word "meth".  Like "Son, is that 'meth' you're cooking?"