It Ain’t Easy Being Pretty

Last night, a room full of women willingly spent an evening in the same building as Donald Trump in an effort to be crowned Miss Universe, a title that brings with it all the prestige and glamour of being mentioned in a blog the next day on 

Miss USA took home the gold (or the Terry’s Chocolate Orange or whatever they win as a prize these days) but it was Miss Venezuela who stole the show with her well thought out answer during the Q &A section.


To reiterate – we already have laws, let’s go surfing.  Or something like that.  But Miss Venezuela is not alone in her question answering prowess.  Beauty pageants have a history of overestimating their contestants’ ability to think and exist at the same time.

Everyone remembers Miss South Carolina in 2007 whose brain literally quit right on stage in the middle of answering a question.  You can actually freeze frame the moment it dons a hat, picks up its bags and vacates the premises, it’s around 0:19.

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Never has a single answer done more to damage the map making industry in the history of ever.

Historically, this is a trend as old as pageants as witnessed by this archival footage of a beauty pageant from the days of massive shoulders and even more massive hair.  Back then, the greatest thing about America was Hawaii and literally nothing else, as most of the country was swamp land or Mexico.

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So she gets points for having an honest answer but she should have pretended to like Wyoming.

Worse than geography questions are those dealing with history because, as you may know, history happened in the past and therefore is hard to remember.  Ask this girl!

Sure, it was awesome that Pearl Harbor happened and stimulated the economy to get us out of the Great Depression by accelerating the growth of macadamia nuts and inspiring women to make bombs and airplanes, but there was probably a better way to answer the question than with all that awkward, silent smiling.

For instance, if you don’t understand a question, maybe make a vague reference to the Spice Girls and wish really hard for a meteor strike.

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The meteor strike may not happen but it’ll still comes across like a disaster.

Finally, when it comes to answering a divisive and difficult question, even one delivered by Kenan Thompson, do your best to say something while never actually saying anything.  And for God’s sake, don’t actually answer the question.

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