rocketed to fame started acting in a Disney Channel show called Even Stevens, way back around 2000. This may, in fact, explain everything we know about The Beef today, given that the Disney Star Machine tends to, as a byproduct, turn all of its tiny marketing titans into socially maladjusted forces of douchery once they reach adulthood.
After reaching prominence in a trio of avant-garde displays of CGI diarrhea (alternate title: The Transformers franchise), Shia also performed in Constantine, Eagle Eye and something to do with a man from Indiana that’s best forgotten about. Point is, he became a fairly big star in what was arguably a short period of time. And then something happened.
As tabloid journalism began to show an interest in the “real” Shia, we started to learn the man-boy had a short fuse and apparently had traded his sense of humor for magic beans that grew into the opportunity to make out with Megan Fox on camera.
In 2005, Labeouf decided his neighbor was up to no good and drove straight into the man’s car in an effort to get into his own garage faster. Later Shia made amends by coming to the man’s home with a kitchen knife.
Two years later, police had to escort Shia from a Walgreens after he refused to leave. Naturally we can all relate, because Walgreens is a great place, but pick your battles, man.
In 2008, after being hit at a red light, Labeouf was arrested for drunk driving and had his license suspended for a year.
Here’s Shia in 2010 chasing down a paparazzo, throwing a coffee at him and not breaking stride as he continues to run, with his backpack, down the street;
In 2011, someone just popped him and his neck beard right in the face outside a bar because of course they did.
Same year Shia lets us know that yes, he banged Megan Fox. But isn’t Megan Fox married? She sure was. Also, he banged Isabel Lucas. Wasn’t she with someone too? Yes she was.
Last year word spread of the movie Nymphomaniac, a film in which Labeouf was set to have real sex on camera with his costar. Shia Labeouf was paid to have sex with a woman while other people watched and filmed it.
Sometime in March 2013, Shia completely took the crazy train off the tracks and dropped out of a play he was starring in with Alec Baldwin. For unknown reasons he apologized to Baldwin by plagiarizing someone else’s apology and posting it online. Then posting everything Baldwin said to him in response online for no reason other than to apparently piss Baldwin off because if there’s one thing that seems pretty easy to do it’s piss off Alec Baldwin.
Also, this happened;
In October of this year, somewhere in London, Shia ran across a pair of drunk girls and started filming one vomiting in the streets because why wouldn’t a man who makes millions of dollars to costar with robots in movies stop to film a puking stranger? After refusing to stop, a man nearby reiterated the point that he should stop by punching Shia in the face and kicking him in the junk.
Just this December, a fan approached Beefy at a London restaurant. What words were exchanged we may never know, but the girl did start crying before she left the table, so Shia probably wasn’t shitting sunshine in her direction. The girl’s boyfriend took the opportunity to confront Labeouf about it and Shia’s perfectly natural response was to let the guy know he could have him murdered. The Beef can have you killed, everyone. Do not ask him for autographs, he will put a hit on you.
So that’s where we are now. Shia doesn’t shave, sometimes drinks, appears naked in Sigur Ros videos, drops acid for movie roles, humps everything he can with a vagina, on or off camera and he will murder you. Or have you murdered. Or at least film you at an uncomfortable moment. And if necessary he will stare your ass down.
Is it possible he’s not actually a douchebag? Because these sound like the actions of a latter day gangster. If Capone were alive today, he’d be doing hot movie stars and having dudes whacked. Maybe not filming puke videos, but he’d certainly stare people down who gave him shit and send annoying girls away in tears if they interrupted his meal. Is it possible Shia is just really cool and no one realizes it but him?