Being old has its perks and nowhere is that more apparent than in Ireland, it seems, where grandma can do almost anything and not get in trouble for it. For instance, Grandma Helen Heaphy was having a rousing evening out at the bingo parlor with her fellow retirees when cops caught her trying to peddle more than Lucky Charms and Bingo dabbers outside the hall. In fact, she was pulled in holding $400 worth of cocaine which she insisted she was holding for a friend. Every drug dealer and user on earth, incidentally, is just holding it for a friend. Dave. Or Bill. I forget. I met him at a party earlier tonight. Seemed like a good guy. I don’t know his last name.
Heaphy has two priors for possession and one for obstructing the narcotics unit and despite this, the judge did not give her jail time and instead fined her about $800, or two nights work outside the Bingo hall once she gets back on the horse. How does someone with two drug priors not even get jail time on a 3rd offence? The Granny Effect. No one wants to put their grandma in jail, even if she is pushing blow all across the Emerald Isle.
Not only did grandma avoid jail, but someone convinced the Bingo parlor owner to let her come back and play bingo regularly even though a condition of her bail was that she never go back there. Is there nothing a felonious Irish grandmother can’t do? Keep this in mind, elderly criminals, if you’re looking for a place to settle down for your golden years. Head to Ireland where nothing bad will ever happen to you and alcohol is plentiful and easily available to all. It’s no tropical beach but it has its perks. Plus that accent is hilarious.
Apparently granny pulled all this off because her priors were only for possession and since this one was for possession for sale or supply, it was totally different! And since she was only holding it for a friend, how could she even know what it was or the potential danger it presented? Because of her two drug priors? No, shut up, that doesn’t make sense. Those were unrelated. She’s just a naïve, bingo-loving grandma who probably bakes cookies and knits sweaters all day long. And just sometimes sells cocaine. But probably only to buy more cookie-making ingredients.
In case you’re curious, back in 1999, the same grandma made the news when her house was described as a “virtual supermarket of drugs” and was written about thanks to neighbors trying to get her evicted for running a known drug supply house that school kids frequented and was so well secured with CCTV, guard dogs and more than police could never pull off a surprise drug raid there. Oh that sweet, old Granny.