On a brisk autumn day in 1967, two scientists, Gary Nusbaum and Rodrick Van Buren finalized their work in a dusty, underfunded lab that was little more than a garage with a Tesla coil, some tin foil and an abacus in a little town in New Mexico. Their work? To prove lasers made everything cooler. Their conclusions? Lasers made everything cooler.
A lot of things have changed since 1967; Nusbaum was killed by a prostitute in New Jersey and Van Buren became a prostitute who killed Nusbaum. But one thing that hasn’t changed is that lasers make everything cooler. And while the term “everything” is a little nebulous, we’re here to stomp a mudhole in nebulosity by showing you just what is cooler. With lasers.
Pointers – Thought we were going to go preposterous on this didn’t you? Pfft. Here, look at this pointer.
Lame ass, isn’t it? If you and the girl of your dreams were at a lecture and you were using this to point out some Venn diagrams about your desirability in a coital sort of way, she would turn stone cold lesbo on you. Good job, pointer. Now let’s look at lasers.
Holy heck! Win! Laser pointers were invented in the 80s and originally cost hundreds of dollars. They were also kind of huge. Not like the sleek, Dollar Store lasers of today that you use to play with your cat. How the mighty have fallen…
Balls – Do you remember the 80’s? It’s when they made bad music that people pretend is awesome now. Poison rocks! But in reality they don’t. No offense, Bret Michaels. Every Rose Has Its Thorn, dude? Really? The other thing the 80’s gave us was balls that were far superior to the balls everyone had up to that point. In fact, look at your balls right now. Pretty weak, huh? Vaguely like undercooked meat and grandpa’s neck? Yep. Lame. Now look at laser balls. Ok, they’re call Plasma Balls and were invented by Tesla in 1894. But still, look!
You can tell that’s awesome because those aren’t even really lasers. They’re just so cool that’s what we call them. And they’re balls. Ladies have a base, primordial response to these things. In the fallopian region.
Bowling – If you’ve ever been bowling you know what it’s like to be up to your nuts in Despair. That was a capital D. No one actually likes bowling despite its popularity. People have merely settled for bowling. Bowling is to pastimes what living in lightless misery is to Gollum. It has happened and you deal with it and, oddly, there’s even a degree of comfort there, perhaps because of the familiarity of it all. But to outside observers it’s squalid and terrible.
With the addition of lasers, bowling goes from being the sporting world equivalent of the 4th circle of hell to your own rock concert where you wear completely gross shoes.
Cats – One of the first things the internet fell in love with was cats. Why? Too late to get into it now, just go with it. 5% of the internet is devoted to cats, maybe because of all the those people in the Midwest who were duped into buying computers by guys at Best Buy, it doesn’t matter. Point is, internet cats used to be the same as real world cats for a long time – vaguely pissy and prone to licking their assholes on the dinner table. Who does that? You hide in the bathroom when you want to lick your asshole. But then, one day, there were laser cats.
There’s even some variety show based out of Buffalo or some such called SNL that made some videos about them. That’s how popular laser cats are. The production quality sucks though, I think it’s some cable access show made by highschool kids.
Cane – Until now, all blind people have sucked. I can say that because this is the internet. What are they gonna do, read it? Then find me? And get me to keeping saying “Polo” when they say “Marco” until they’re close enough to hit me? Fat chance, blindo.
Artist's rendition of a typical blind man with a laser cane.
In an effort to find their way around town, blind folks have a handful of options; to not do that, to get a tricked out dog or monkey, or a cane. Tricked out monkeys and dogs cost a fortune and will sometimes gain super intelligence and murder civilians, it’s happened in movies and will happen again. Not going out makes it so you’re not out, thus defeating the purpose of going out. That leaves canes. Which hadn’t evolved since the dark ages. Until lasers showed up. Boo-ya!
Actually, I’ll be honest, I don’t know if you can buy these yet, but the internet told me 3 14 year old Palestinian girls invented one, so that’s something. I assume it burns the smugness out of all the sighted people who give crap to the blind.
Comb – Remember when brushing your hair just meant running a stick through it before you loped off to harvest nuts and delicious berries? Civilization queered that right up.
Right this very second, you can go out and buy a laser comb. If you hate yourself, your family, baby Jesus and joy, buy the one with 9 lasers. It’s probably good enough for bums, felons and Scientologists, it’s good enough for you. Or, if you want to go to Heaven when you die, buy the professional 12 laser one and turn your hair into a rollercoaster ride through awesome town with AC/DC, free chicken wings and big breasted pirate ninjas that queef solid gold Xbox’s and beer kegs. Nieman Marcus has one for sale for about $625. What a steal!
At this moment, while you’re cleaning up your lap, you may be asking yourself “what the hell do you need lasers on a comb for?” And the answer is, of course, on the one hand to stimulate hair growth and on the other, shut up. You know why you need lasers on a comb.
Lawnmower – This is a regular lawnmower;
It’s made out of your humiliations and some metal. Disgusting. Here’s a laser mower;
Can you even imagine how many ways this thing could go wrong? So many. Awesome.
Boobs – Bet you never thought boobs could get better. Bet you were sitting there sipping Bosco out of a boob-shaped mug watching an aerobics video with a couple of melons thinking you were on top of the world. Well strap yourself in, junior, because it’s time to get schooled at the speed of boobs. Laser boobs. What? I’d give you the link but it’s a little NSFW for we’ll see if you can piece together where to go on your own.
So anyway, it’s like boobs with lasers coming out of them. If that’s what Star Wars was about all wars would be over by now, and we mean either the films or that space BS Reagan tried to pull off back in he Revolutionary days.