I Know Who Stole This Man's Porn

Earnest-Pettie by Earnest-Pettie on May. 20, 2013

Yesterday, we learned that Earlie Johnson, the leading archivist of African American porn, had his collection stolen from his home.

This was a bootleg DVD-R collection unprecedented in its scope, a real historical treasure that is probably floating around the black market or the trunk of someone’s car right now. While Earlie has no idea who took his flicks, I believe I know who took his porn: The Man.

Let’s look at the facts:

A man from Connecticut travelled to Michigan to see this man’s porn? Why would a person from Connecticut (about 83% white) ever travel to Michigan? To see the place where the cars he doesn’t buy aren’t made, anymore? Please. This was reconnaissance, plain and simple. It wasn't "a man;" it was "The Man."

By eliminating this porn stash, The Man stood to erase decades of black contributions to the world of adult film. We’re talking about the work of dedicated actors and actresses like James Earl Johnson, Lena Horny, and Hottie McDaniel, the pioneering actress featured in 1939’s Bone With The Wind. Interestingly, there was only one film left in the film archive after the theft. Though its title is blurred, I’m pretty sure it was Do The White Thing. Stealing all of these DVD-R’s was a bold move, from which The Man stood to ensure that black children will grow up never realizing the achievements of black people in porn.

Everyone knows that The Man runs the media, which is how I believe this story got put out there in the first place. Think about it. We got two viral videos from Michigan in the same week. In the same week? Furthermore, both of the videos made black people look foolish when, in fact, they were trying to make a difference! First, we had the obnoxiously loud woman pledging to fix Detroit if only she could get elected mayor. Now we have this anthropologist and film scholar who only wants to preserve film history, and he is made to look like a fool! Slow clap, The Man. You deserve it.

When you look at the facts, there’s no doubt that The Man is responsible for stealing Earlie’s porn collection. There’s only one thing Earlie can do now. Start from scratch. Earlie is going to have to start hitting Craigslist, swapmeets, and weird guys’ basements. Slowly but surely,  he will rebuild this collection, and African American history will be all the better for it. He will have foiled The Man, who have no choice but to retire to the comfort of his Virgin Galactic spaceship to think about his next scheme for undermining the efforts and achievements of minorities in America.

- Earnest (follow me on twitter @earnestp)

 

25 comments
passmore428
passmore428

Detroit, Flint, Saginaw. Napalm bombing run in that order please.

passmore428
passmore428

Detroit, Flint, Saginaw. Napalm bombing run in that order please.

collinsmichael1981
collinsmichael1981 User

Wait............where are all the "This is Racist" comments? Do people have a sense of humor today?

collinsmichael1981
collinsmichael1981

Wait............where are all the "This is Racist" comments? Do people have a sense of humor today?

MDMIKE10
MDMIKE10 User

Props my brotha! Word up!

MDMIKE10
MDMIKE10

Props my brotha! Word up!

The-Langolier
The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

Break employees. Why don't you add a counter measure for all of the user posts such as "Andre-Asscalia-366" instead of writing poor articles. More poor articles, or less to none of the annoying job adverts? They are in just about every new video that comes on the front page.

The-Langolier
The-Langolier

Break employees. Why don't you add a counter measure for all of the user posts such as "Andre-Asscalia-366" instead of writing poor articles. More poor articles, or less to none of the annoying job adverts? They are in just about every new video that comes on the front page.

gynecologist
gynecologist

Actually, I thought Elaine's story was quite believable, thank you.

gynecologist
gynecologist

Actually, I thought Elaine's story was quite believable, thank you.

dibrwi7
dibrwi7 User

I would totally vote for her!

dibrwi7
dibrwi7

I would totally vote for her!

Earnest-Pettie
Earnest-Pettie moderator User

We have changes coming to the comment system, which will help alleviate this problem, leaving us more time to write poor articles.

Earnest-Pettie
Earnest-Pettie

We have changes coming to the comment system, which will help alleviate this problem, leaving us more time to write poor articles.

Earnest-Pettie
Earnest-Pettie moderator User

I want to commend your bravery. While you aren't required to tell all your partners that you are infected, it is a stand-up thing to do. Cheers.

Earnest-Pettie
Earnest-Pettie

I want to commend your bravery. While you aren't required to tell all your partners that you are infected, it is a stand-up thing to do. Cheers.