I Know Who Stole This Man's Porn

Earnest-Pettie by Earnest-Pettie on May. 20, 2013

Yesterday, we learned that Earlie Johnson, the leading archivist of African American porn, had his collection stolen from his home.

This was a bootleg DVD-R collection unprecedented in its scope, a real historical treasure that is probably floating around the black market or the trunk of someone’s car right now. While Earlie has no idea who took his flicks, I believe I know who took his porn: The Man.

Let’s look at the facts:

A man from Connecticut travelled to Michigan to see this man’s porn? Why would a person from Connecticut (about 83% white) ever travel to Michigan? To see the place where the cars he doesn’t buy aren’t made, anymore? Please. This was reconnaissance, plain and simple. It wasn't "a man;" it was "The Man."

By eliminating this porn stash, The Man stood to erase decades of black contributions to the world of adult film. We’re talking about the work of dedicated actors and actresses like James Earl Johnson, Lena Horny, and Hottie McDaniel, the pioneering actress featured in 1939’s Bone With The Wind. Interestingly, there was only one film left in the film archive after the theft. Though its title is blurred, I’m pretty sure it was Do The White Thing. Stealing all of these DVD-R’s was a bold move, from which The Man stood to ensure that black children will grow up never realizing the achievements of black people in porn.

Everyone knows that The Man runs the media, which is how I believe this story got put out there in the first place. Think about it. We got two viral videos from Michigan in the same week. In the same week? Furthermore, both of the videos made black people look foolish when, in fact, they were trying to make a difference! First, we had the obnoxiously loud woman pledging to fix Detroit if only she could get elected mayor. Now we have this anthropologist and film scholar who only wants to preserve film history, and he is made to look like a fool! Slow clap, The Man. You deserve it.

When you look at the facts, there’s no doubt that The Man is responsible for stealing Earlie’s porn collection. There’s only one thing Earlie can do now. Start from scratch. Earlie is going to have to start hitting Craigslist, swapmeets, and weird guys’ basements. Slowly but surely,  he will rebuild this collection, and African American history will be all the better for it. He will have foiled The Man, who have no choice but to retire to the comfort of his Virgin Galactic spaceship to think about his next scheme for undermining the efforts and achievements of minorities in America.

- Earnest (follow me on twitter @earnestp)