Portland Has a Mysterious Dildo Problem

When you think of Portland you might only think of hipster stereotypes and craft beer, but there’s so much more to the city than that.  For instance, did you know Portland has a really impressive arboretum?  And also, there are dildos everywhere.

Since the weekend, hundreds of dildos have been spotted hanging from power lines all over Portland, in much the same way you used to see shoes hanging from them.  Someone’s been tying them together and stringing them up along streets and at intersections because why not?  Given that it’s Portland, it’s probably safe to assume that someone is doing this under the guise of art, because there are people out there who think pooping in a taco shell and putting a photo of Buddha in it is not just art, but a political statement.  These people should generally be avoided.  But at least this particular experiment is kind of funny, who doesn’t like dildos in the sky?

The dildos seem to be all either orange or white, which makes sense since someone clearly had to buy these things in bulk and probably didn’t have a lot of color choices.  Have you ever bought bulk dildos before?  It’s not a cheap prospect at all.  Then factor in the effort to tie them together like pornographic nunchuks and spread them all over town without anyone seeming to notice and what you have is a pretty bizarre little caper.

So far there’s no known purpose for all the dildos and no one has taken responsibility, but at least the parents of kids in Portland have something to talk to their kids about over the summer, now.  Education never stops happening, even when school is out.

Word is only getting out now but that video was from late June, meaning Portland’s dildo bandit is a half month into his master plan at this point.  By August it’s possible the whole city will have succumbed to rubber dong.  Portlanders, pack up your food trucks and head to whatever other town is in Oregon before it’s too late.  Come back when it’s cold and the dildos are forced to hibernate.  It may be your only salvation.