Ever heard of Clear Food? It’s a company that can test food with genomic technology to inspect the very DNA of a burrito and see what it’s made from. This sounds both amazing and terrifying. Amazing because what a great way to find out just what you’re eating. Terrifying because it’s going to tell you just what you’re eating. And, as demonstrated when Clear Food tested 345 kinds of hot dogs and discovered 2% of them contained human DNA, its way worse than any of us imagined.
Clear chocks the human DNA issue up to hygiene problems, which seems to be a bit of an understatement, but is it the worst thing you’ll ever find in your meal? Not exactly. DNA is a really vague term and you can pretend it’s just a hair if you like living in denial. Other gross things are a little more cut and dry, so to speak.
Finger in Arby’s
As if Arby’s needed another reason for people to mercilessly mock the poor chain, here comes a gut churning tale out of Michigan, where a 14 year old roast beef enthusiast found himself chewing on an uncharacteristically rubbery piece of Arby’s famous shaved cow.
Deciding to investigate, the teen spat out a one inch long segment of Grade A human finger. According to the Health Department, a less than reliable employee was using a meat slicer and sheared off the chunk of digit then, without letting anyone know, left the premises. The finger was packed up and served to the kid who then had to go on a course of antibiotics and other fearsome things one takes when they’ve engaged in accidental cannibalism.
What’s the grossest thing you can imagine finding in your yogurt? Nope, even grosser than plain yogurt. It’s man yogurt. Sadly, this disgustingly awful concoction was produced at least once, at a grocery store in New Mexico.
Anthony Garcia, a grocery store employee, was charged after adding his own semen to samples of yogurt being given out in the store at which he worked, as well as covering a spoon with the same foul mix before giving it to a customer.
Garcia gave the sample to a woman at the store, who immediately spit it out and wiped her mouth on her shirt. The spit and shirt were tested by authorities and, sure enough, Garcia’s DNA was present, which is just so creepy you probably did the creepy shiver thing when you read it.
Garcia plead guilty and was facing up to three years in prison plus three years supervised release.
Tooth in Fries
Of all the things apt to end up in your order of French fries, there’s a good chance “human tooth” isn’t at the top of your list of guesses. Human tooth should probably not be at the top of any list of things you expect to find in any sort of food item.
Despite how odd it seems, a tooth did show up in an order of fries from a McDonalds in Japan. Its presence was a mystery all around as no one at the restaurant reported losing a tooth, workers in the factory where the fries are made wear masks and, after analysis, it was determined the tooth hadn’t been fried.
It’s possible the tooth was a hoax, though such things are pretty much unheard of in Japan. Another possibility is that there’s an employee in a Japanese McDonald’s who’s so out of touch with reality they lost a tooth and didn’t even realize it.
All things being equal, if you had to pick a piece of a person to find in your food, you might be inclined to say fingernail if you didn’t give it much thought. But the more you do think about it, the grosser it becomes. For example, how often do your fingernails come off? All things being equal, the damn things don’t unless something is really, really wrong. Remember that scene in The Fly when Jeff Goldblum started pulling his nails off? Because he was a mutant fly man? That’s why fingernails come off. Not to mention how gross a nail is in the first place, who knows where that person’s finger was before it got in your nachos.
It was at a Taco Bell in Tampa that this particular nail made its way into an order of nachos, and not just any nail but a full on French manicured nail. So on the upside, it was just acrylic and the employee probably wasn’t a leper. On the downside, we still don’t know where that finger was before it lost its nail. Pick an orifice though, you know it was near one.
Hair Clump Steak
Another super revolting one out of Wisconsin; we’ve probably all found a hair in our food once in a while. It’s gross, it’s offputitng, it makes you not want to finish your meal. And that’s if it’s a single hair from someone’s head. This story is not about that.
This tale is about a diner who sent back a steak he felt wasn’t cooked properly. Confirming every fear you ever had about what the kitchen staff does when you send food back, the cook at the restaurant proceeded to slice a pocket into the new steak and fill it with hair. A big ol’ clump of hair.
The victim ended up suing the restaurant and the cook plead guilty, also admitting he’d done so twice before and management even knew about it. Worse yet, if you can imagine this getting worse, is that the cook claimed it was facial hair but another kitchen employee told cops that the cook was clean shaven that day and he had claimed to stuff the steak with his pubes. Go ahead, gag if you need to.
Urine and Spit Taco
A cop in Nebraska won $40,000 in a lawsuit after a particularly unsavory taco bell employee cooked up a special batch of “police only” tacos that included spit and urine. Employee Casey Diedrich had apparently set aside special serving pan full of piss in which he’d make food for police officers who came through the drive through, along with some spit. Other employees saw him do it and even reported it to management, but the store didn’t inform customers, including the officer who sued after buying the food for his family, the result of which was two little boys aged 4 and 7 becoming violently ill.
Jimmy Hat Soup
Seafood restraint McCormick and Schmick settled a case out of court after a diner claimed to have found a condom in her clam chowder. According to the lawsuit filed by Laila Sultan, she was dining at the restaurant with friends and had to send her soup back because it was cold. She said the waiter was very rude, and when the soup returned she found something extremely chewy in it that wasn’t calamari.
After running to the bathroom and throwing up a but, she filed the suit. The case was settled before it went to trial and no terms were disclosed, but the restaurant maintains it has no idea how the condom got in the soup, but it wasn’t their fault. Probably just one of those spontaneous chowder condoms you hear about.