This week, Kai No-Last-Name-Given, a hobo with a heart of gold, became an internet sensation after smashing a dangerous alleged-rapist, alleged-messiah in the head with a hatchet, rescuing a neighborhood in danger. Kai clearly has learned from past news interview superstars the keys to being a viral hit. While his interview may have been the all-time best to ever hit the web, he was standing on the shoulders of giants, and you could too. The next time you find yourself in a situation where you might be interviewed on the news, remember these lessons that Kai had already absorbed, and you too could become a viral superstar.
1) Get Your Gear Right
The first thing Kai did right was make sure his gear was on point, and, by gear, we’re referring to the bandanna he used to keep his shaggy locks under control. Since he's clearly a dangerous drifter, we're not sure where or when Kai might have had access to the Internet, but there’s no way he would’ve been able to avoid having seen Antoine Dodson, 2010’s internet superstar, who also rocked the mighty bandana. If you're going on the news to talk about something crazy that's happened to you, make sure you're on your bandana game. They aren't just for old, bald dudes anymore.
2) Incoherence Is Your Best Friend
We can’t all be born great orators. We can’t all be Dr. Martin Luther Kings, and when we tell the stories of our dreams, we bore each other to death. It’s a fact. The last time you told someone about one of your dreams, you very nearly killed them. The only way to counter that is to be as nonsensical as possible, keeping people invested in your story not necessarily because they want to get to the end of the story but because they’re waiting to see if they'll need to render medical assistance. Kai, no doubt, knew that because of the deranged dude talking about aliens on WGN.
3) Catch Phrase!
Smash, Smash, SU-MASH! Kai’s catch phrase is awesome, and he had to have learned from Sweet Brown that having a catch phrase is KEY to making sure your viral news interview gets picked up and thrown around the Internet like Hitler references around a message board. Sweet Brown has managed to turn her catch phrase into a commercial deal, and there's no doubt that there's some used car dealer out there who would love for Kai to come and Smash, Smash, SU-MASH prices.
4) Larger Than Life Assertions
Let’s be clear, Kai did not kill the alleged rapist that he smashed in the head with a hatchet, and yet he has no problem suggesting that he did during the news interview. That’s because he knows from the guy whose burger got stolen by a tornado that making larger-than-life boasts is one of the things required to turn you into a legend. No one is going to dispute this dude over the fact that a larcenous storm blew into town to deprive him of lunch, so why not just go for it?
5) Be In The Moment
If there's one thing that Kai learned from The Best News Eyewitness Ever, it's just to be in the moment. When you're telling the story of the most amazing thing ever to happen to you, act that chizz out so we can know what it felt like for you to be there! Get into it, and we'll get into you.
That's all it takes. Remember those five key elements the next time you go on the news, and you'll stand a really good chance of 1) losing the respect of your peers 2) having your authority in your workplace undermined 3) becoming the subject of intense psychological scrutiny from people who have never met you, and 4) going crazy viral.