Have you heard of the Autoblow 2? It made headlines for being the world’s first and most successful crowd-funded robotic oral sex simulator. It’s like a Fleshlight that moves on its own and it’s proved to be super popular. I thought, in the interests of science, I ought to get one of these and see if it lives up to the hype. Now before you label me a total perv, keep in mind I’ve done this before – the good people at Fleshlight sent me some of their products to try out on HolyTaco back in the day and that turned out to be fantastic. The Autoblow was basically the next natural step in evolution. If I could do all those amazing things with a Fleshlight, like take a shower or feed my dog, what could I do with a robot?
If films like A.I. and Robot and Frank have taught me nothing else, it’s that robots can and should be awesome friends. Now the typical line of thinking is to assume Terminator or The Matrix is the way to go, but I didn’t feel like the Autoblow had a lot of potential to go back in time and kill my mother, or suck me into a fantasy world of make believe. Well, less the first one, anyway. No, the Autoblow was designed to be a friendly robot. What can you do with a friendly robot blowjob machine?
First things first, Autoblow required a personality and that means a face. Say hello to Mr. Autoblow. Call him Otto.
As a worldy fellow, we have to assume Otto enjoys the finer things in life. Cigar, perhaps?
It became clear very early on that Otto’s internal functioning, which looks like this, by the way;
-lends itself to only certain activities. We couldn’t play chess together, or go for walks on the beach. But maybe we could have a BBQ!
Disturbed yet? This keeps going for a while. Full disclosure, I’d had a few drinks and, by the end of this, was laughing uncontrollably in a room by myself. How do you follow hot dogs? Rice!
It seemed like a reasonable time to have some dessert after this, but all I had handy was an expired Activia yogurt. Good enough for a Googly-eyed sex toy!
A robot fellatio addict does look an awful lot like a yogurt-starved hobo once you get it going. The next logical step? Dance party.
Let’s be honest, there’s not a lot you can do with a robot blowjob machine in 2014. There’s really one thing you’re supposed to do, and a handful of hilarious things you shouldn’t do, and all are equally valid though some may be more fun than others. I’m not here to judge you or your motivations. What I will say is that the Autoblow 2 is a powerful little monster than can work a BBQ hot dog like a boss and, if you happen to fill yours with old yogurt and rice, it’s incredibly easy to clean out.
In the future once these things have arms, legs and the ability to think, I’d be willing to try my hand at another hilarious article, but I think I’ve taken this one to the far reaches of sanity as it is. Is the Autoblow 2 worth your time and effort? Hell, I think it’s worth it just to watch it eat rice. You really can’t go wrong with this machine. Check out their probably NSFW website when you have some time. Odds are you’ll find some way to have fun with one.
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