Christmas is over for another year and you can give you wallet a rest in at least one area for a day or two by eating your way through toe wasteland of leftovers, because who ever eats a turkey in a single day?
Of course, if you didn’t have a big meal or maybe you’re one of those suckers who had all their food stolen by family members and are now left with nothing, there are still a few holiday items you could whip up to keep the spirit alive and, arguably, no one on Earth will ever want to steal from you.
The Turkey Bear
Nothing says Christmas quite like a Teddy Bear plus a turkey melded together by the dark hand of insanity in an Ed Gein-style monstrosity. My friend Phil told you about this before Christmas but he really missed out on the food-preserving qualities it represents. Why would someone use turkey flesh to make a bear? Why ask why, just accept that this Frankenfriend looks as adorable as any raw, salmonella-laden misfit possibly can. Plus, if this is in your fridge, no one is going to dare and make sandwiches or soup out of leftovers ensuring you’re getting a solid three meals out of this fella, if not more.
Once upon a time, turducken was a crazy, zany gluttonous beast of a food item that surely no one in the real world would ever consume. Now everyone has heard of it and they cook it on the Food Network. What can we replace it with? Something that may be no less delicious but appears to have been born from a Japanese pornography nightmare! The Cthucken (or cthurkey, not that it matters) appears to have crab legs, octopus tentacles and a turkey body. Oh, and bacon. Yay!
Now if you like squid or octopus this probably tastes great, but it does look like it will lay eggs in your lungs.
The only thing needed to turn a delicious meal into a harrowing, panic-filled call to local authorities is a needle and thread. Who knew? Look at this tasty little fellow – just a pig and a chicken which, on their own, are awesome but sew them together and you better believe it hurts your brain and will make no one want to eat at your home again.
This is less nightmare awful and more depressing awful, which is well suited for the holidays so it fits in nicely. Just look at every, can’t-possibly-be-delicious layer congealed together designed for gamers and other shut ins who can’t be bothered to go near a stove.
Honestly, this thing is as fake as that sewn-together pig chicken (it’s credited to a graphic designer, traditionally not the sort of person known for cooking and canning massive meals) but the idea is one I can get behind because who has time to separate their food and try to chew up different flavors? Maybe next year this guy can design a Christmas feast suppository.
In any event, with your dinner in a can, no one is coming after your precious leftovers, plus you can stock up and eat all year long. Assuming this was real. Oh well, buy a can of Chunky Soup.