How To Maximize Your Time At The Beach

Ah, summertime. The sun is hot, the ladies are out, and you can’t really get rid of swamp ass. There’s also beach time. The beach can be great if you take certain precautions. Follow these simple tips and you’ll be enjoying the warm sand and cool water in no time! Also, you’ll be avoiding embarrassment, pain, and jail.

1. Don’t Get Too Drunk

Nothing goes better with a beach day than a few cold beers. Lounge around, go for a swim, and get a nice buzz. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? But you must be careful because that buzz can easily turn into a full-on drunk, and that’s not what you want. Being drunk in the hot, blistering sun is the worst situation to be drunk in (unless you’re a surgeon). You’ll make a fool of yourself and no one at the beach wants to party with the drunken fool.

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2. Don’t Be Obvious

It’s human nature to glance at someone wearing very little clothing. God gave us eyes for a reason, you know? But don’t be obvious about it. Staring at a lovely lady in a bikini is embarrassing for you and uncomfortable for the person being gawked at. Same goes for you, women. I get this all the time at the beach, with my rock-hard abs and super-huge bulge. It’s so demeaning! Be cool about it: Take a look. Give it a few seconds, then look away. (Now’s the time to invest in some sunglasses. You appear to be looking straight ahead? Nope! You’re staring at the boobs of the girl to your right. Thanks, Ray Ban!)

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“Maybe if we all act like we’re looking, she’ll think we’re not!”


3. Don’t Try Too Hard To Be Cool

People go to the beach for many reasons, one being to party and pick up a date. If this is your plan, then play it cool. You don’t have to do crazy beach stunts to stand out to the opposite sex (or build a wooden stand that says “Free money for kisses” no matter what my mom says).

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4. Be Careful

Don’t be a moron, okay? It’s that simple. No one is going to want to party with you on the beach if you’re face is broken.

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5. Wear Something Appropriate

Know your limitations. Not everyone is made for a G-string or a Speedo. In fact, many of us are made to be wrapped in large beach towels or small tarps. You’re going to be around a lot of people, including little kids… whose laughter will haunt you for the rest of your life.

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“Hey, dude. Can you take me off your chest. It’s super embarrassing,” begged Jesus.


6. Be Nice To Other Beachgoers

The beach can get very crowded. Share space, don’t blare your stupid music so loud that everyone has to listen to it, and just be nice to one another. Crank that new Miley song too close to a Taylor Swift faction, and this could happen, and we don’t want that… do we?

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7. I just wanted to post this:

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– Mark (follow me on Twitter)