Mothers have a way of saying things in such a way that it gets under our skin. And not just a normal “under our skin.” But it’s Christmas. This isn’t a time to fight. It’s a time to be happy, peaceful, and enjoy some time with your family. At least, that’s what you’re supposed to do but because mom is being crappy IT’S VERY DIFFICULT TO DO THAT.
Take a deep breath. Take many, many deep breaths. And read this guide that’ll help you answer those passive-aggressive mother questions you’re bound to hear.
Hopefully, you’ll bring a grandchild home for Christmas before I die.
How you want to answer: Why the f**k do I want a baby? Do you know what babies do? S**t and cost money. How do I afford beer and video games if I have to buy baby food or a bone or whatever babies play with?
A grandchild means fewer gifts for me, and you already suck at giving gifts now, so no thank you, mom. I’m going to keep buying sweat socks and dumping your dreams in those.
How you need to answer: Mom, me too. You’re such a good mother, and I desperately want my children to experience the same joy I have been given over the years. And trust me: I’m working on it. I’m saving my money. I’m working my way up at my job and am really setting a great foundation for when I find the perfect woman and her and I conceive that child on our wedding night.
"Back in my day, poopin' out babies was a way of life."
Your girlfriend is pretty enough.
How you want to answer: What the hell does that mean? You’re being a little judgmental, especially since your boobs are hanging down at your waist and that matted nest you call hair would look better shaved off and given to a balding dog with cancer.
How you need to answer: Mother, she is absolutely pretty enough. In fact, I see a lot of her in you. That might sound weird, but I like that she might someday be as good of a woman as you.
You look like you’re eating well.
How you want to answer: Bitch.
How you need to answer: Don’t say anything. Just cry a bunch, make her feel guilty, then steal stuff from her pantry after she goes to bed.
I'm so happy you're following your dreams. Your father and I had to stop when you were born so we could feed you.
How you want to answer: You were the one who said I could be anything I wanted to be! So if you’re ashamed, it’s your fault, you old slut.
How you need to answer: You were the one who said I could be anything I wanted to be! So if you’re ashamed, it’s your fault.
"Is there a return policy on this thing?"
You’re lucky you don’t have a job. I only get Christmas day off!
How you want to answer – Yeah, that’s right. Because I LOVE being unemployed and having to eat Ramen noodles seven days a week and wearing underwear with holes in the crotch because of how much I fart and shower twice a week because any more would raise my water bill to a level I possibly can’t afford and live in the dark because the electricity costs even more and watch all my friends eat full meals when we go out to eat while I order the side salad and eat half, then take the other half home for lunch the next day and sell plasma for little to know money and cry as I walk home because gas is still unaffordable. Yeah. I am lucky.
How you need to answer: I wish I had a job.
Do you think I’m getting wrinkly?
How you want to answer: Uh, yeah. Because that’s how bodies work. They get old, wrinkly, then die. Grow up, mom.
How you need to answer: All I know is you’re getting more beautiful than ever.
"You should see how young my vagina looks!"
I know you like girls, but if you liked boys, I’d still support you.
How you want to answer: I know I haven’t had a girlfriend in a long time, mom, but that doesn’t mean I’m gay. Are you serious with this s**t? Do I need to show you my Internet search history? Or how about that hard drive that I tell you is full of family photos? Those aren’t family photos I’m jerking off too, mom. And if they were, they wouldn’t be dad.
How you need to answer: I love your support, mother. While I do not like boys, knowing you would love me no matter what means the world to me.
Your father and I never make love.
How you want to answer: OH, GOD, SHUT UP.
How you need to answer: Pack up your things and leave.