“The Voice of America. I gonna save the US music industry!!!” That’s how Ms. Voice describes herself on her Youtube channel. Apparently, the voice of America barely speaks English, and it occupies a pitch somewhere between injured dog and crying baby. She’s the product of our generation’s being raised with more talent shows than talent on TV. She just released a new music video that features her trademark warbling and playing around with bras. This week’s endurance challenge is to make it through this video. Feel free to bail whenever you want, but when you do, check out the legend below to see what your departure point says about you.
:10 You’re a genius! You’ve realized that, no, this isn’t porn or even some elaborate cam chick video, and you’re out. We salute you.
:10-:35 You’re a scholar. You spent these precious seconds attempting to determine whether she was speaking English. Once you finally realized that she was speaking English, that made the video worse, and you bailed.
:35 - :49 You’re a record industry executive. Listening to this chorus you realized that you just figured out the answer to music piracy: Release worse music. You just left to go make more money. I hate you.
:49 - 1:03 You have an inquisitive mind. You held on through the rest of this verse hoping to see a second shot of her playing with her kitty. Then the chorus smacked you in the side of the head, and you bailed. Too bad.
1:03 - 1:27 You're disappointed. You hoped... but just realized that, no, this isn't the Russian mail-order bride you ordered that never showed up. You just switched to email to talk to someone in Russia about reversing those credit card charges.
1:27 You’re a Break Editor, and you got your screenshot of her boyfriend covering his ears in a last-ditch attempt to shut her voice out once and for all. Good work.
1:27 - 1:39 You’re dumber than a Break Editor. You continued past 1:27, and wandered right into the godawful bridge. You’ll be having flashbacks to this moment for years to come. Your bad.
1:39 - 2:07 You must work for the State Department. You spent the whole video insisting that there were boobs present but that they were just hidden. After searching and searching, you finally admit that they were never there in the first place.
2:07 - 2:30 You’re a stubborn fool, but your stubbornness has paid off. You’ve seen a few more shots of her playing with her kitty, and now it’s off to the comments to make the obvious puns.
2:30 You’re a born loser, a perennial victim. A lifetime of being cyberbullied has allowed you to endure computer-based assault. We’re sorry... but congratulations?
2:30 - 2:40 You’re brain dead, and it’s our fault. I mean, it’s not our fault. Your next-of-kin will never be able to prove that we’re responsible for your vegetative state.
Earnest (Follow me on Twitter @earnestp)