Horror Hacks

PhilHaney by PhilHaney on Aug. 06, 2013

With the words “Human Centipede” and “Sharknado” entering the greater public consciousness, now is the time to celebrate the cinema of the absurd!

 

I’m not talking about some artsy-fartsy French flick; I'm talking about films like….  Rubber, where a killer tire comes to life and telepathically explodes people’s heads! Boom!
 

 

 

Or Furries, where a member of the Furry Fandom community skins other furries alive and sews them to the insides of their furry costumes! Ew!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are some real descriptions of films that someone actually spent time and money producing and distributing to the public mixed in with horrible horror movie ideas I came up with that no one will ever make! In the comments shout out which ones you think are real! And which are FAKE! Answers are at the bottom, but no cheating! Cheaters will be held down and forced to watch RIPD.

 

RetarDEAD

An evil doctor uses an intelligence boosting serum on special education students which turns them into zombies! Don’t worry; this movie is super politically correct… if you’re a time traveler from the 1910’s.

 

Serial Killer Comic: The Comedian Who Kills  

A sadistic standup comic stalks and murders audience members from his performances who don’t laugh at his jokes. This is one comedian who really kills it! Seinfeld voice: “What’s the deal with all this blood?”

 

Zombeavers

A co-ed weekend getaway to a riverside cabin is ruined when a group of college kids confront a group of un-dead zombie beavers! These are not the beavers these kids were looking for.

 

Evil Tattoo

A tattoo artist is the suspect of a criminal investigation when the tattoos he creates come to life and start killing his clients. Now getting that face tattoo isn’t the only reason kids won’t get a job … because they will be dead.

 

Poultrygeist: Night of The Chicken Dead

Chickens possessed by demons attack fast food employees, reaping revenge on the fried chicken restaurant which was built on an Indian burial ground.  Watch this movie while eating a bucket of KFC and feel like you’re part of the action!

 

Alien Exorcist

A priest performing exorcisms in a remote fishing village discovers that victims thought to be possessed by the devil are actually inhabited by nefarious aliens come to take over the earth. All that green vomit and head spinning is just their way of saying “Take me to your leader.”

 

Chawz

A man eating killer pig goes on a rampage in a small town eating everyone in sight like they were a plate of bacon . It’s like Jaws, but on land.. they’re going to need a bigger.. truck? Car?  Frying pan?

 

I Sold My Soul for Rock and Roll

A folk rock singer sells his soul to the devil in order to achieve fame and success. However now he is only capable of writing and performing Black Metal music and delves deeper into the occult, hedonistic Black Metal scene, nearly getting himself killed in the process. If only he could come up with the ultimate cross over genre: Folk Black Metal!  

 

Click here for the awnsers and watch trailers for the real movies!

 

BONUS: here is my review of MERPIRE: Yes, vampire mermaids!