Ahh, the Fleshlight, nature’s most perplexing animal. A disembodied orifice meant for one purpose only – to wank. Science tells us that 107% of all people masturbate, so it’s likely that a Fleshlight could be a handy and well-enjoyed invention. But it’s so expensive! Check out their website and some are nearly $70. That’s a lot of money to spend on something that takes you 5 minutes. Is there no other solution? You know, aside from using your hand like a hobo or some kind of second-class citizen? Yes! You can make your own!
Shortly after real Fleshlights were invented, rumors began spreading that you could basically pull of this masturbatory miracle all on your own. And what wizardry was required to pull it off, so to speak? Why, barely any. Behold!
Now the instructions here are a little shady – for instance, they’re metric. And not even proper metric because who measures 100g of water? Grams is for solids, son! This is English as a Second Language metric, probably developed in a Russian gulag by a particularly lonely fellow who was feeling altruistic and wanted to share his genius with the world.
Where it recommends inserting a stick 4/3 of the way in, your guess is as good as ours. Unless your penis bends time and space though, we’re going to suggest 2/3 for maximum comfort while not forcing your tool through the bottom of your homemade willy sleeve.
The author further confuses us by recommending a grooved or patterned stick, following it up with the fact he’s never done it and also never will. Still, thanks for the recommendation.
The final result looks like Smurf’s hat and is probably only good for a maximum of one round, meaning it may not be worth the effort you’re putting into this at all. We tried to get an intern to try it out for us and then, after an extensive meeting with HR and a promise we’d attend a meeting on sexual harassment in the workplace, we just put this article together and tossed it into the ether. If any of you guys want to try it, feel free to drop me a line on Twitter and let me know how it went, but with absolutely no details.