Here Are Some Things We Can All Agree On

There are a lot of things that divide us as a nation. Where you stand on whatever is in the news at the moment can mean being unfriended by that dude you barely remember from high school but are pretty sure you hated, anyway. What you believe can even get you torn a new one in the comments on Break. We have a lot of differences pulling us apart, but if you take a closer look, you’ll see that there are many things we can all agree on.

You may be for marriage equality or against it, but can we at least agree that it’s not gay people who are the greatest threat to heterosexual marriage– it’s the hot chick at work… or the hot chick at the store… or any hot chick who takes an interest in Bored Penis that is threat level alpha? And really, she’s just aiding and abetting Bored Penis, who is the KSM of this operation.

This real estate agent is going to be a major threat to traditional marriage.

You may be for tighter gun control or against it, but can we at least agree that video games are the one thing we should never de-arm? I mean, Pac-Man spent all his time running away from ghosts. Ghosts! He should’ve been packin’, man!

You may be for abortion or against it, but can we at least agree that there are just some people who shouldn’t be parents? If, for example, you are on any show that starts with the words “Real Housewives,” add yourself to the list.

You may be for stricter immigration laws or against them, but can we at least agree that every great thing that we have to eat comes from immigration? I mean, Doritos Tacos Locos is based on an Americanized version of the taco and flavored with an Americanized version of the tortilla chips! We just commoditized all over your culture, Mexico! Thanks, and you’re welcome!

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De nada, Mexico.

You may believe in global climate change or you may not, but can we at least agree that half the people who went on Spring Break this year got screwed due to abnormally cold weather? Usually the goal is to get screwed due to cold beer.

You may be for the legalization of marijuana or against it, but can’t we agree that… that… sorry… just kind of zoned out, there…

You may be for Obamacare, or you may be against it, but can we at least agree that we’re just going to wait and see whether it covers fecal transplants before we make a final decision?

You may be for or against spending money on our space program, but can we at least agree that jettisoning one or more of the Kardashians into space is in the world’s best interest? At least until we’re attacked by aliens for littering, but that could take years!

Whatever your stance on Justin Bieber is, could someone just stand on Justin Bieber. Just for a little while? Just so that we can have one day where he’s not on every single website for being some kind of jerk?

You may be against cyber-bullying or for cyber bullying, but I think we can agree that if you’re for cyber bullying, you’re probably a bully, and if you’re against it, what did you do?

You may have been for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan or you may have been against them, but can we at least agree that it was hilarious when they found Saddam Hussein hiding in that hole in the ground. Ten years later, still laughing.

You may be for taxing the wealthiest people or against it, but can we agree that if you have all that money and you aren’t using it to fix anything other than an election or your sixth wife’s boobs, you are a d-bag. An expensive d-bag, but a d-bag, nonetheless?

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Show ’em how it’s done, Bill!

What are some other things we can agree on? Let me know in the comments.

Follow me on Twitter @earnestp. We’ll work on finding more common ground.