Helpful Mom Seeks Girl To Take Son’s Virginity

Moms are always looking out for their children. They want them to be happy, healthy, have a good life, and, most importantly, lose their virginity before they go to college.

This mom from Philadelphia is so concerned her “high school nerd” son won’t be sexually ready for college that she turned to Craigslist for help and posted this ad:

There’s a lot going on here so let’s break it down:

– “He’s 18 and will go away to Harvard in the fall.” Pfft. That’s what all moms say about their loser virgin sons.

– “…he’s never had a girlfriend, and I’m sure he’s a virgin.” I don’t know about anyone else, but I didn’t go around telling my mom about all my high school sexual conquests. This kid might have been a crazy party animal away from his mom. I sure as hell didn’t tell my mom about any of my high school conquests (and before you say, “Mark, you didn’t have any high school sexual conquests,” I’ll have you know that there are plenty of women who would disagree with you. But I won’t give you names, numbers, ages, or any identification information but know I’m totally not lying).

– I like the idea that having sex makes you a cool college kid. I don’t think that’s scientifically accurate, but it plays great in comedy movies.

– “I’d say there’s almost zero body fat on him.” Is this mom checking her son out?

– The plan… If the son is as nerdy as the mom is making him out to be, then how does she expect this girl to not only hit on the son but to get him away from the concert, ditch his friend, then have sex? What are we looking at here, a four hour window maybe? That’s a lot of work to do in a short amount of time. Also, what if the son just wants to listen to the music and not have some girl he doesn’t know yapping in her mouth at him? And what kind of concert is this? Is it Bon Iver? No one ever wants to have sex at a Bon Iver concert. God, I hope it isn’t Bon Iver. What if the son isn’t attracted to the hired girl? Then what? What if he’s more attracted to the friend she brings? Does the hired girl reveal the plan to him in spite? And what if the son did bring a girl? Does the hired girl still have to go through with the plan? That could cause a cat fight. A really hot cat fight. Oh, man. What if there is a hot cat fight at a Bon Iver concert? How weird would that be? In summary: there are too many unknown variables for this plan to be really good.

– The mom demands the girl teach her son various sex positions over time. That’s some thorough thinking on the mom’s part.

– The mom says she’ll make the hired girl’s financial issues disappear. ADVICE TO HIRED GIRL: the moment you’re hired, purchase a new car and rack up lots of credit card debt. She’ll have to pay it, or the contact is broken. Then, you can sue her. Actually, you can’t because this isn’t a real contract, and it’s probably illegal. You know what, girl? Don’t do this. Just don’t.

– The plan ends when the son goes to college and the girl has to dump him so he can go on to get more strange college ass. But what if… what if he falls in love? Or she falls in love? Or what if… I have to stop talking. I’m off to write a screenplay!

– Mark (follow on Twitter)