Helpful Mom Seeks Girl To Take Son's Virginity

Mark-Potts by Mark-Potts on Jul. 22, 2013

Moms are always looking out for their children. They want them to be happy, healthy, have a good life, and, most importantly, lose their virginity before they go to college.

This mom from Philadelphia is so concerned her "high school nerd" son won't be sexually ready for college that she turned to Craigslist for help and posted this ad:

There's a lot going on here so let's break it down:

- "He's 18 and will go away to Harvard in the fall." Pfft. That's what all moms say about their loser virgin sons.

- "...he's never had a girlfriend, and I'm sure he's a virgin." I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't go around telling my mom about all my high school sexual conquests. This kid might have been a crazy party animal away from his mom. I sure as hell didn't tell my mom about any of my high school conquests (and before you say, "Mark, you didn't have any high school sexual conquests," I'll have you know that there are plenty of women who would disagree with you. But I won't give you names, numbers, ages, or any identification information but know I'm totally not lying).

- I like the idea that having sex makes you a cool college kid. I don't think that's scientifically accurate, but it plays great in comedy movies.

- "I'd say there's almost zero body fat on him." Is this mom checking her son out?

- The plan... If the son is as nerdy as the mom is making him out to be, then how does she expect this girl to not only hit on the son but to get him away from the concert, ditch his friend, then have sex? What are we looking at here, a four hour window maybe? That's a lot of work to do in a short amount of time. Also, what if the son just wants to listen to the music and not have some girl he doesn't know yapping in her mouth at him? And what kind of concert is this? Is it Bon Iver? No one ever wants to have sex at a Bon Iver concert. God, I hope it isn't Bon Iver. What if the son isn't attracted to the hired girl? Then what? What if he's more attracted to the friend she brings? Does the hired girl reveal the plan to him in spite? And what if the son did bring a girl? Does the hired girl still have to go through with the plan? That could cause a cat fight. A really hot cat fight. Oh, man. What if there is a hot cat fight at a Bon Iver concert? How weird would that be? In summary: there are too many unknown variables for this plan to be really good.

- The mom demands the girl teach her son various sex positions over time. That's some thorough thinking on the mom's part.

- The mom says she'll make the hired girl's financial issues disappear. ADVICE TO HIRED GIRL: the moment you're hired, purchase a new car and rack up lots of credit card debt. She'll have to pay it, or the contact is broken. Then, you can sue her. Actually, you can't because this isn't a real contract, and it's probably illegal. You know what, girl? Don't do this. Just don't.

- The plan ends when the son goes to college and the girl has to dump him so he can go on to get more strange college ass. But what if... what if he falls in love? Or she falls in love? Or what if... I have to stop talking. I'm off to write a screenplay!

- Mark (follow on Twitter)

 

 

12 comments
Az-Fec-584
Az-Fec-584 User

Kinda silly reasoning in the article.. "what if hes not attracted to her?" .. hhaha hes 18 ! ...hes likely be into to any female ( no pun intended) willing to give some action. And 4 hours is too short of a time and requires alot of work ? We're talking a pick up and romp that could come and go ( no pun intended) within the hour.

laserbeam111
laserbeam111

This actually sounds like a pedofile. There probably isn't any son or mother, just some guy posting it. The ad casually mentions that the son sounds like the perfect male. Fit, attractive, smart, etc. 

The ad lists that you have to be 19 or under in an 18+ section. That's a little fishy. People can make up elaborate stories....

RiotSt4rt3r
RiotSt4rt3r UserTop Commenter

Ah yes, nothing says mother's love more than trying to fabricate one of those most memorable moments of a person's life.

jbart321
jbart321 User

Mom is a creep. 

Cool-Jon-1
Cool-Jon-1 User

I may be wrong but isn't that a type of prostitution? paying someone to have sex?

Pinefang
Pinefang User

What if they are all at the concert and the son and his friend turn out to be gay lovers? ahahahaha.

ibanking06
ibanking06 User

Helicopter parents are putting their nose into their child's sex life too.  Hmmm, I think we're going to have baby boomer parents tell their idiot kids when to organism and when to ejaculate when their doing it too.

leakyseptic
leakyseptic User

You were all duped. It was written by the son to get a hit-list of easy girls. Craigslist equivalent of Catfishing.....

userunlimtied
userunlimtied User

lol maybe he hasnt came out of the closet..

Matt-Kim-806
Matt-Kim-806 User

wow... as long as the son never finds out the mom tried to do this and takes his own pace/ doesnt get raped at a concert by a girl with financial needs - he'll have gotten out of one of the weirder family attempts at kindness lol why is healthy love so confusing a course for most even semi intelligent people? Seriously, as terrifying as it is, people are independent - just leave them to their pace, support them when tehy need it and let the world press on them, for them to walk with the rest of the time.... that's all you need to do if you get restless take up a hobby like knitting