We’re barely into 2013 and we already have a contender for worst music video of the year. Will there be more terrible videos? Sure, but they won’t make this one less terrible. But with all the Rebecca Blacks and Courtney Stoddens out there, you may be wondering just how does someone make such a terrible video? It’s more than just bad singing you can catch that at any karaoke night. No, a bad music video is a terrible mix of music, lyrics, dancing and derptastic imagery. Let’s check out Ziona’s “Invited” and learn how to do it (or at least avoid it).
0:05 – We can’t guarantee that she just teleported here from being an extra in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off or the first Back to the Future, but that wardrobe choice is a little suspect for anything not featuring Wilson and/or Phillips.
0:15 – Go on, start the video over and listen to her say that line again because she totally just said what you think she said. “I’m a show you I can get what’s in your pants excited.” There are less sexy ways to refer to boners, but you don’t often hear them outside of alleys and crack dens.
0:24 – This dude was literally just doing his laundry and had no idea he was being filmed.
0:27 – She crawls a bit like a medicated cat. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.
0:29 – Watch her go bug eyed when she says “with”. It’s funny, but you don’t know why. And since we’re on this line -“I’ve got a pretty little paper with your name engraved?” Really? Paper engraving?
0:40 – Here it is, folks. The unsexiest dance ever caught on film.
1:21 – Look at this poor bastard, look at his face. He’s being sexually assaulted on camera and we’re forced to assume he has gambling debts and this is how he’s getting out of it.
1:29 – He’s practically crying. What happened to this broken man?
1:33 – We retract our previous statement. This is now the unsexiest dance ever caught on film.
1:39 – This is actually a scene from the Evil Dead remake.
1:47 – The word is “come.” Cyum is not a word.
1:50 – She’s an alcoholic who is farting in the tub?
2:13 – Damn. We retract our previous retraction. This is the unsexiest dance ever caught on film.
2:21 – She jumped into the pool! That’s so fun!
2:46 – For God’s sake. Fine, all the dancing is the worst dancing. Looks like she’s trying to stave off a wicked dump.
3:05 – Sweet Lord, is this supposed to be harmony? Sounds like a cat dying in a well.
3:07 – HEY YOU GUYS I’M IN A MUSIC VIDEO AND I LIKE CANDY! HURRRRRRR!
3:20 – So. Does anyone have anything excited in their pants?