In an unofficial scientific-ish study I just performed in my office by myself, 100% of people in America love bacon. It's become the biggest food craze in years and the end doesn't seem in sight with Scope's newest announcement: bacon-flavored mouthwash.
Scope contends that this isn't an April Fool's joke but I am praying it is. Bacon has officially jumped the shark. I take that back. Bacon jumped the shark long ago when people started equating the deliciousness of actual bacon with the desire to douse every f**king thing with a substandard and paltry bacon-ish flavoring.
You know what people like? A greasy stick of pig stomach grilled on a stove until dark red, crispy, and dripping with grease (heart lube as I like to call it). People don't want the bacon flavor without the bacon.
That's like the feeling of orgasming without the sex (ignore that, please. It ruins my point completely).
Often, these bacon-flavored products are gross and taste nothing of bacon. Here are some of the worse:
No. Stop this, hipsters. This isn't going to be a thing. The last thing I want to do is mix bacon with alcoholic beverages. Bacon is best left to soak up the alcohol still in your body the morning after a night of debauchery (nature's sponge as I like to also call it).
Say what you want about gun control in this country, but this seems like a frivolous use of bacon. We need to ban bacon guns! And how many stips of bacon is that clip holding? No one needs that many strips of bacon at one time!
This will go great with my bacon condoms! Synthetic bacon-smells and fish don't mix.
You can't eat coffins, people. What's the point? To surround your body with images of the very meat you ate every day that helped you get this wonderful coffin?
Stop trying, Canada. No one cares.
There are many other gross bacon products out there. Have you tried any? Let us know in the comments.