Apparently All You Need To Do To Get Laid On Tinder Is Be A Dog

The difference in strategy between dating using a phone app and dating using the Internet is staggering. When you’re using a site like eHarmony or OKCupid, it pays to be honest, open and try to write something in your profile that truly represents you. Chances are if you’re using an online dating website, you’re looking for an actual relationship and/or love – whereas if you’re on something like Tinder, you’re probably just looking to fuck.

Case in point: here’s my Bumble profile.

Cue six thousand thirsty dudes looking to only fulfill the “fuck” part of my profile and not the “Hey we actually gotta be able to chill and shit, I’m not your walking beat rag” aspect. Believe it or not, I found one dude who hits both criteria -- but some people can’t even get a single match to save their lives. Maybe their profile is lame, maybe they’re lame, or maybe it’s obvious that all the strategically-poised photos from the neck-up mean you’ve got at least 200 extra pounds you’re trying to hide. Who knows? All I know is that apparently, being a dog will get you matches.

Logically it’ll get you laid too if you’re smooth and clever, but “smooth and clever” is a lot harder than “Will my cute dog make you wanna touch my dick? What if I say ‘please?’”

It also pays to not be a conspiracy theorist in general, however the girl who matched with Spencer the Pupper said that the match-up went better than she expected. In other words: there is no right or wrong way to do Tinder, just read the situation to the best of your ability and adjust your strategy from there. Also, don’t send unsolicited pictures of your dick…or anyone’s dick, for that matter.

Some people thought the “bork bork me am doggo” + “9/11 was an inside job” strategy was A+…

…whereas others are now dying of cancer because of it:

What do you think – is this a dating strategy worth trying out, or will you be too busy with chemotherapy to give it a whirl? Let us know in the comments, but to be upfront: no, Break will not pay for your cancer treatments…unless you’re getting chemo while riding your wheelchair downhill and then doing a flip off a giant ramp at the end. Then we’ll buy the video rights, but you’ll probably still die.

With that in mind, let’s hope you like Tinder dogs.