Never waste an opportunity when life presents you with one. If you ever find out your significant other is cheating on you, take it as an opportunity to go viral with whatever crafty revenge you come up with. Whether it’s nuking their apartment in glitter, catching their cheating on film and putting it on Facebook or simply selling all their shit on Craigslist while they’re out boning some trash bag, you owe it to yourself to at least come out on top of the whole mess with a good story.
Speaking of good stories: this guy. This fuckin’ guy! Not only did he get revenge on his wife for cheating on him, but he managed to completely ruin her reputation with her family. It’s not only brilliant, genius and masterful, but fucking savage as well.
It all started with the classic signs of cheating:
So I had a feeling she was cheating, as she set off a lot of red flags. Constantly laughing and smiling when texting, saying it was just her mother when I asked. Needing to stay late every night after work. When I’d call in her co-workers said she left hours ago. When I asked her what was going on she’d laugh it off and say it was just something they did to each other at the office all the time.
The last straw when I knew something was definitely up was when she went out “to get milk” at 11:30 at night and didn’t come back until 2 in the morning. Now if there are any words of wisdom I can pass on to others in all my years of experience, it’s if you think your significant other is cheating, hire a private investigator. They’re good at what they do and they will get some evidence that really helps in the later divorce.
Fast forward a few months, and our Hero Husband of the story has managed to wait all that time in order for his perfect revenge. According to him, part of the reason was so that he could gather as much evidence as possible to give to his divorce lawyer in addition to making arrangements for a new place to live, but mainly because he wanted to ruin her life…on her birthday.
Revenge mastermind at work here.
Hero Husband explains that after asking his wife what she wanted to do for the day, all she wanted was for him to go out of town with his friends since “she just had to work anyways and didn’t want to be reminded she was aging.”
So I know something is up and after finding a bottle of champagne and two glasses hidden in my closet something in me snaps. So I do what any sensible man would have done. I leave and go to my friends house pretending like I am going out of town. While there I call up her mother, father, sister and several of her friends. I tell them how I want to give her a big surprise by sneaking into our room with party streamers, kazoos and a big cake with candles. Sounds fun, right?! Well, boy was it.
Hero Husband had her whole family meet him outside their apartment at 8:30 on the morning of her birthday; the shit show began shortly after:
We all pile in the elevator (about 8 of us in total); her mother is holding the cake and I’m reminding everyone to be as quiet as they can be. I put my key in and unlock the door; we all sneak in and make our way down the hall towards the bedroom. Each holding a kazoo and her mom holding the cake grinning from ear to ear.
Well as I throw open the door, we all yell surprise!
But the surprise was on us and there was my wife, butt naked with her lover staring at us wide eyed. Mom drops the cake, sister screams, father begins to shout. I pretend like I’m horrified to which her friends try to push everyone out while yelling at her. My wife, excuse me, ex-wife is sobbing and screaming how could I while the lover is desperately trying to put his pants on while running out of the place. Needless to say, it was one of the best birthday presents I have ever given.
Sadly, we don’t know what happened next – I like to think that Hero Husband drove away into the sunset to find a woman who wasn’t a cheating bag of dicks, and that the wife wound up losing her marriage, lover, job and family all in the same week. Karma is a bitch, and she really knows how to twist the knife when it’s already all the way in.