Poor Idiot Learns The Hard Way That He’s Been Masturbating Wrong His Entire Life

There are a few basic life skills that you just assume everyone has down pat. Breathing, eating, picking that one booger wayyyyy in the back of your nose that keeps flapping around without anyone around you noticing – all everyday activities, and all activities that everyone should be pros at by the ripe age of two.

See? Even Jack Nicholson gets it.

But one poor soul managed to fuck up the only basic skill you learn later on in life: masturbating. You’d think that with sex-ed classes, movies and the literal mountains of porn available for free on the Internet that our poor guy would’ve figured it out at some point. Clearly, this isn’t the case or else we wouldn’t still be here. Writing to Reddit about his predicament in a post that’s since been deleted, our “hero” in question describes exactly how he masturbates “wrong,” since apparently there’s a wrong way to jerk it:

This is gigantic fuck up that has accumulated to the point where I have to untangle the fuck out of this web. So, I'm a 21 year old dude that has masturbated in an odd way. Like you all know, guys stroke their shaft up and down till they climax.

"As a kid that grew up very sheltered and in an open space, it was pretty hard to actually masturbate. I would be constantly interrupted by my sibling or parents since they love to annoy the fuck out of me.

"Anyways, the way I do it since I'm uncircumcised is I just rub the skin over the head, kind of like a pinching motion just right the top to achieve amazing orgasms.

"Kind of like this, but with more pain and agony if you please."

This continued on up until I was 18 and had the means to travel to another city for university. As a first year, sheltered dude, that barely even spoke to a girl, frosh week was the fucking bomb. Got smashed, girls were grinding on me at clubs, it was fucking marvellous. Now you're probably wondering ok where is the fuck up?

"Well on one of those nights a girl decided she was taking me home. We were fooling on the bus and once we got to her place, all clothes immediately fell off and I was ready to lose my virginity. I could literally feel the rush of euphoria through my veins knowing that this place is so fucking awesome.

"So, as I was pushing my cock into her, I felt this HUGE amount of pain. I had no idea what the fuck it was but I tried again and it happened AGAIN. Lost my erection immediately after that and I proceeded to do my walk of shame back home.

"Later on at home, what I found was my foreskin has never been pulled back. Like ever. So, the head was SUPPPERRR fucking sensitive. I could barely let it touch water. It took three fucking years to desensitize it and since I've been masturbating by pinching the foreskin head, I can't cum from just stroking it up and down."

I hope I’m not the only one here wondering this, but EW dude have you never washed your dick? Like, ever? As in if you’d actually been able to bone that girl she would’ve walked away with at least six bacterial infections and a few strains of what can only be described as “cock mold” growing out her puss.

Fun fact: cock mold can be fermented into beer

Less fun fact: cock mold beer tastes disgusting

Our “hero” in question is currently in the process of trying to fix his dick, and says that he’s quit porn for the past three weeks since he read it’ll help him cum from sex. “So now, I just have to wait till I actually have sex to see if that’s true” he writes, completely unware to his impending doom as an 80-year-old virgin.

Whether or not this story is either true or complete bullshit remains to be seen, which means we need to find out for ourselves. Someone go adopt an uncircumcised kid and raise him into adulthood while constantly reinforcing that you masturbate by pinching your dick in the most un-sexy and stupid-looking fashion possible. Hire a private investigator to follow him at all hours of the day until he pops his cherry, and make sure the PI takes photos so we know for sure no involved parties are lying, AND THEN we shall finally have our answer.

Which one of you lucky bastards is about to become a new adoptive dad? Let us know in the comments!