Americans Are Naming Their Babies After Guns

While there’s still a trend around the world to name babies after characters from game of Thrones, it looks like Americans have decided fiction is for suckers and started naming their kids after cold, hard steel.  There’s a new trend towards some violent, shooty imagery in baby names according tot he website Nameberry, some of which is admittedly cool and would make your baby the chief badass at daycare, and some which is just ridiculous.

Starting with the most innocuous, the names Gunner and Gunnar are in the top 200 boys names of the last year.  Gunnar is a Swedish name that means bold warrior, perhaps you remember Gunnar Hansen, or Gunnar Nelson?  Gunner is the current more popular spelling, though it’s never actually been a name before.

Getting weirder from there is the next most popular name, Cannon.  It’s in the top 1000.  Have you ever met a Cannon?  They’re out there.

Here’s where it gets really weird though, because we start getting into descriptive gun words and actual gun manufacturers. Trigger, Shooter, Caliber, Magnum, Pistol, Barrett, Remington, Kimber, Ruger, Wesson, Browning, Benelli, and Beretta are all on the rise. Now here’s the thing, Beretta is awesome as hell, and Remington will make your kid basically James Bond.  Even Magnum works if your baby has the mustache to pull it off.  But isn’t Trigger the name of a famous horse?  And wasn’t Shooter the asshole villain from Happy Gilmore?  And Browning?  Oh man, don’t do that to your kid. 

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This is just where the gun names stop.  Archer is on the rise out there, though it seems like the website that compiled all this info was unaware of the cartoon which is absolutely the reason that Archer is on the rise.  Although, weirdly, Arrow is also a name growing in popularity.  Is it because of the DC Comic show? We may never know.

Five parents slapped the name Danger on their kid last year, and then because maybe they don’t even know what the word means, 11 chose Arson.  There are 11 kids named after the malicious setting of fires.  And 9 are named Chaos, because their parents want them to grow up, become doctors, and then supervillains.

For what it’s worth, every year a handful of kids are named Rambo.  The movie character’s name was John, incidentally.  John Rambo.  But America currently has several dozen Rambos walking around.

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Everyone gets wanting to have the coolest named kid, but if you’re going to ignore the traditional names, if Jim isn’t exotic enough for you, then you need to be positive the name you picked is flawlessly cool.  For instance, you can’t name your kid Satchel under the assumption it’s going to be awesome and your kid will coast through life having the best name in the room because by about the fourth grade at the latest someone is going to call him Ball Satchel.  It’s going to happen.

Some names are virtually impenetrable and unmockable.  From the list of gun names, Beretta just begs a kid to try and fail to mock it.  But Luger, which sounds cool at first, becomes Booger with no thought at all.  Be sure your crazy name is so crazy it can’t fail.

Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, people are going to be naming their kids after websites.  Little eBay and Wikipedia will be in the yard getting beat up by Magnum and Khaleesi.  One day.