Man vs Beast: The Battle of Prolific Parents

Recently a small guinea pig named Randy made headlines in England after he escaped his enclosure and made his way to the ladies only zone.  There, with 100 hot and ready guinea pigettes giving him the eye, he did what any man would have done – he humped like a champion. 

Because Randy was careful to keep his sideburns shaved close and his balls out of view, no one noticed that the little fella was actually a fella until it was much too late.  He was skinnier than the other pigs, mostly as a result of his humptathalon, and by the time they discovered he was a he, it was also apparent he’d spread his seed the way a hungry man spreads peanut butter – wide and gross.

Staff at the animal park believe Randy may have impregnated up to 100 females, which tend to have litters of about 4, making the little man one of the most prolific fathers of all time and also making everyone wonder how he’s not raw and crying all the time.

Is father to 400 a record breaking title, however?  Has beast finally bested man?  Fear not, fellow humans, for no mere Guinea pig can outhump humanity – when it comes to depraved and irresponsible fatherhood, we’re still number one with a bullet!

Historians generally concur that the last Sharifian Emperor of Morocco, Mulai Ismail, was more than twice the man this sad little Guinea Pig was and, having 500 wives, was able to produce somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 children in his lifetime.  Lord knows where you go to buy shoes for all those kids, but if you’re the Emperor you probably pawn that responsibility off on some other sucker.

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While the Emperor was throwing his back out to make babies, a doctor named Bertold Wiesner was a pioneer in the field of artificial fertilization and, during the 1940s opened a sperm bank in Britain.  This is all fine and good except that apparently the good doctor was making more deposits than anyone else in town and seems to have predominantly used his own home brew on any ladies looking for a baby.  The result is speculation that he fathered anywhere from 300 to 1000 little WWII-era babies who would have grown up to look like magnificent Pointdexters.

Richard Hatch, winner of the first season of Survivor and noted loudmouth, apparently also spent his spare time back in the day wanking into a cup and, as a result, could have upwards of 200 of his own kids roaming the countryside, anxious to be pains in the ass in their very own reality show that no one wants to watch.

For a less accurate but more impressive story of fatherhood you can turn to the conqueror Genghis Khan whose only recognized children were his legitimate heirs, but is demonstrated to be genetically linked to about 8% of men in Asia after a 2003 study which then speculated he has about 16 million relatives in the world today.  How many kids must he have had to pull that off?  Some say thousands.  Others say the man had brothers, cousins, uncles, children and grandchildren who probably all helped out spreading his genetic code around, but the story sounds much better when you think it was one guy who conquered most of the known world apparently for the sole purpose of sexing as many ladies as possible.  And even that’s a cleaned up version of what the reality would have been, which is that the Khans had a very unseemly habit of killing their enemies and then raping their wives and daughters.

And while all that’s pretty impressive for fathers, let’s give a special shout out to Mrs. Vassilyez, whose historical feat of parentage was so impressive no one bothered to take down her first name.  After a series of 27 births, Mrs. Vaisslyez is said to have given birth to 89 children including four sets of quadruplets, seven sets of triplets and 16 pairs of twins.  And this was in Russia in the 1700s, so you can assume their last baby was probably simply rolled in mud and bits of hand-me-down burlap to keep him warm and was fed the smells of food his siblings had eaten years earlier.

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So anyway, our hats off to Randy the Guinea Pig for doing a good job but know your place, Randy.  Humans will always be the best.