Humans are shallow animals. It’s sad but true. While many of us try to rise above, as a whole, many people are very caught up in simple, menial details of life and are very superficial. We judge others at a glance without getting to know them and while we’re quick to toss out platitudes like “beauty is only skin deep” or “we’re all beautiful on the inside” the fact is, in practice, so many of us see someone with a physical imperfection in some way and immediately decide whether or not we’ll give that person a chance.
Lucky for you, these snap judgments can be staved off pretty easily if you suffer from a number of creepy physical attributes that are readily fixed or improved. Just because you look like a creepy creeper right now doesn’t mean you need to stay that way. Stop being mocked for your physical fearsomeness and turn those groans upside down.
Possibly the worst thing a man can do to himself if he’s not Amish or a serial killer is grow a neckbeard. It’s basically the uniform of the physically unloveable. A regular beard is a fine thing if properly groomed and maintained, it shows a level of care and respect for one’s self, while the neckbeard grows like mildew across neck grout and demonstrates only that you’re clearly still alive as parts of you are getting bushier.
If neckbeard were a personality trait, it would be like ending every anecdote with a story about smells you produce in the bathroom – no one wants to endure that and it’s a pretty decent way to ensure only people who are like you want to hang around you, and that includes women. Ever seen a girl with a neckbeard? You want to be with her as much as she wants to be with you.
A hassle though it may be, we need to convince the people in our lives with neckbeard undergrowth to take the 10 minutes a week required to remove the neckbeard and style it into something a little less Cro-Magnon. It’ll make them more approachable and less scary to kids and college girls alike.
What causes the mysterious hungry bum? Pants too loose? Pants too tight? Sitting on a leather sofa? There are many theories but few definitive answers. For our interests, all you need to be aware of is that hungry bum is the scientific name for the phenomenon that occurs when, upon facing away from the observer, it appears for all the world like someone’s bum is attempting to eat their pants. They’re wedged in there good and tight and, if history is any guide, at some point this person will less than casually reach back and attempt to pry a yard or so of errant fabric free from the black morass that is their backside.
We all fall victim to the occasional wedgie, that’s just life. But Hungry Bum is some next level stuff that appears as though maybe people who get too close will fall prey to it, we’ve likely all seen it once or twice. It’s not flattering and is often associated with sweat pants, ill-fitting yoga pants and various stretchy materials.
A simple fix involves people wearing pants that fit. This is good advice for anyone. If you noticed that you need to wedge a crowbar down your crack to get your pants out of there, you’d stop wearing those pants for a while. That’s pretty easy, and also ensures strangers won’t be able to see the outline of your colon when you’re walking away. It just makes sense.
The Axe Effect
What evil hath men wrought? We all get the desire to feel attractive, to look good and to even smell good but man, is there some olfactory nonsense going on in the world. And it’s not new – men and women have long had issues with understanding how to properly use fragrances. A good tip is that if your eyes are watering, you’ve gone overboard. If that doesn’t work, look at other peoples’ eyes.
For whatever reason, old ladies with perfume that smells like a funeral home and young guys with body spray that smells like the corpse always go overboard. Their deadened senses render them immune to their own musk, much like a skunk, and so they pile it on oblivious to the manner in which it offends others and probably burns holes in ozone whenever they stand still too long on a day with no wind.
Is it so hard to put on cologne or body spray? Yes. Some people seriously need to learn how to portion that stuff out. This may require actually enlisting the aid of another human with a functional nose. Failing that, a good rule of thumb is to squirt said fragrance on in a single burst. Just one. Not an ongoing stream as though you’re fogging a building for roaches, and not enough to soak through clothing. Hopefully one day everyone learns this so that we can all go about our business without getting contact highs.
The Scum Dread
There’s something both awesome and fascinating about dreadlocks that immediately turns to horror and repulsion when they’re not properly taken care of. And the least well taken care of dread of all is the scum dread. It becomes not a group of vaguely tail-like hair appendages, but a massive hair pancake that has to smell. You just know it smells. And it’s so insane you can’t even imagine how to fix it without the use of a pretty sharp knife or a saw.
At its core, this is a one-two punch of hygiene and laziness. Dread locks are not a natural way for hair to be. This is something that requires effort. So when someone refuses to put in the effort to even clean themselves, the end result is a gong show of awfulness that probably puts excess strain on your neck, because how is this thing not heavy?
This person would clearly be better suited to a buzzcut, or just being bald. That’s very easy to maintain, you just need to have a head. Is there a head under the scum dread? It’s got to be rooted to something.