A German Hair Salon Is Letting An Actual Python Give Its Customers Neck Massages

Tag this under “hell no.” Germany’s Haar Mode Team salon is charging customers thirty Euros for a thirty minute massage from a literal python.

Monty the four-foot-python, never went to massage school but it has experience using its powerful muscles to squeeze the life out of its prey. That’s the exact type of skillset I want in an animal that I am paying money to have placed carefully around my neck. Wait, no it isn’t.

Though the massage sounds insane, word is spreading and appointments from Monty are in high demand.

Speaking of bad ideas, here are 4 other animals I would hate to get a massage from.

Tigers

With skin piecing claws and bone breaking jaws, I don’t think a tiger would be very good at giving a massage. I love cats, but requesting a tiger massage sounds like a death wish.

Sloths

These lazy, cute animals seem like they would be a fun alternative to your average masseuse until you look at their claws.

Those look like the hands of a significantly more huggable Freddie Krueger. Even if sloths are cuddly, cute, loving creatures, I’m still not going to trust something with swords for fingers around my neck. No thank you.

Sharks

Really, getting a massage from a shark is a bad idea all around. Their flippers aren’t exact enough to get into the crevices of your neck, they weigh several tons so wearing one would be terrible for your health, they need to be in a large body of water to survive, also, they WILL eat you. If someone asks you if you want a massage from a shark, tell them “no thank you.”

Chimpanzees

Chimpanzees would be more than capable of giving a massage; I just don’t think they’d be very good at it. Their hands are so dirty!