Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of everyone’s favorite reality dating competition: Westerosi Bachelor! (Applause). I’m your host, George R.R. Martin and I’d literally rather be doing anything else besides writing the next book. (Boos)
Let’s meet today’s Bachelor, shall we?
Hailing from Flea Bottom, King’s Landing, today’s Bachelor may not be able to swim, but he sure can row a boat for three seasons while everyone in the main cast completely forgets about him. He’s tall, he’s dark, and he’s handsome: he’s Gendry. (Ladies cheer).
Gendry may be a bastard from the slums of King’s Landing, but he’s actually got royal blood flowing through his veins as the illegitimate son of the late King Robert Baratheon. With all of King Robert’s pesky “children” now dead, Gendry has a solid claim to the Iron Throne. Ladies, he’s like the next Jared Kushner!
Why don’t we meet the gorgeous girls who will be vying to be Gendry’s Queen? Best of all, our Bachelor isn’t related to a single one of them!
Daenerys has a fiery personality and, with help from her three dragons, brings a whole new meaning to the term blonde bombshell. She’s beautiful, independent and has natural mothering instincts. Good to know if you’re trying to make a political alliance.
Of course, Daenerys has no love for the Baratheon clan after they usurped the throne from her father and destroyed her family. She’s also been described as “emotionally unavailable” as she’s really focused on her career right now. And don’t expect her to take your last name; Daenerys has a long list of titles she won’t be getting rid of anytime soon.
The current ruler of Westeros, Cersei Lannister is a woman not to be trifled with. She’s got an iron will and questionable morals, which is great in the bedroom, but not so much in marriage. While we all know what she’s got going on under that crown thanks to her Walk of Shame, Gendry has yet to get a peek at the goods. (Ooooooh)
Cersei has an ambitious personality but a scattered track record with past lovers. Her first husband died under mysterious circumstances and, well, let’s just say that family is really important to her. Sure, there’d never be a dull moment in this pairing, but you’d also have to sleep with one eye open.
Arya is a very detailed-oriented and organized young woman who’s always making To-Do lists; just make sure your name doesn’t appear on any of them. Gendry, we know you’ve already met Arya and we just have to say, we loved the sparks between you two crazy kids. You’d make an adorable little couple.
However, Arya has changed quite a bit since the last time you saw her. We don’t know what exactly melts your steel, if you know what I mean, but we assume it isn’t bloody assassination. Then again, Arya’s face-changing skills could spice things up behind closed doors.
Hey, if the younger Stark girl isn’t doing it for you, the elder stateswoman is available…or, at the very least, not currently being held as a political prisoner. That’s a step in the right direction. Sure, she’s technically a twice-married woman, but who’s counting?
Sansa has really come into her own over the last few years. She’s made powerful alliances, though her relationship with Littlefinger is something to watch out for. She’s smart and courageous, but occasionally has a problem with sharing (just ask next week’s Bachelor contestant, Jon Snow).
So, Gendry, who’s it going to be?