The Kama Sutra is great if you’re a third century Indian monk but let’s be real here; no one has the time to get in there and learn all of those fancy moves like "The Erotic V" or "The Rocking Horse" nowadays. We’ve got these horrible things called responsibilities that keep us preoccupied for the majority of our time. “I can’t hyper extend my knees to achieve the perfect positioning to really get on in there and cause some damage right now sweetheart, but I have to pay bills, water the lawn, and argue with our asshole neighbors” is sadly a common phrase used in every home across the world.
Now, with a few bottles of beer in me, I present to you an answer to your problems. The New, Questionably Improved Kama Sutra.
1. THE YARDWORK POSITION
You’re going to want to avoid pulling this one off in the warmest months due to humidity, hand slippage, and crab grass.
2. WALKING THE DOG
While you're outside, may as well give this position a go. Your child's razor scooter is also a favorable replacement.
3. GOOD MOOD FOOD
Hungry after all of that "fun"? Beef and Cheddars, while delicious, may not result in the best experience when combined with the rigorous shaking.
4. THE FUN RUN
Consumer Warning: You will both crap yourselves and then pass out-- potentially not in this order.
5. CHANGING OUT A LIGHT BULB
Let's not forget the most integral part of your day! Pro tip: Feel free to invite over friends to help with those high ceilings.
6. THE OIL CHANGE
Why pay someone twenty bucks when you could do this yourself! They say every three thousand miles but you can probably stretch that to five thousand if your partner isn’t in the mood again.
7. LAUNDRY TIME
Added thrills: Turn the dryer on No-Heat Tumble Dry for an extra challenge!
8. DOING YOUR TAXES
No one likes doing their taxes, but the last thing you want is to be audited! Make sure you keep all major receipts for the year in a shoebox next to your hidden Polaroids.
9. THE HULA HOOP
Time for a little R&R with this one. Make sure you’ve got ample room to pull this one off. Backyards, unfinished basements, and children’s playgrounds are recommended.
10. QUALITY TIME
With a long day behind you, take a moment to look back on the long sex-filled day with you and yours. Don’t live by the ocean? Don’t fret! Sunsets happen worldwide believe it or not.
Please let us know in the comments of your successes (and losses) using these new and improved Kama Sutra techniques. I hope this helped, and by helped I mean gets your sex organs touched by other sex organs.
Written & Drawn by Roger Johnson