Don’t Tase That Monkey, Bro!

French police are the greatest crime fighters on the face of the Earth today.  So proficient at fighting crime are they that they have expanded beyond apprehending human suspects and are now bringing down the apes.  Caesar and his motion-capture, CGI compatriots won’t get to outlive James Franco at all if the French have anything to say about it.

In the delightful French town of Marseilles, a lone simian had been terrorizing residents for a solid week by stealing chocolate because what else would a monkey bandit do?  And remember, this is delicious French chocolate, which is easily thrice as decadent as typical American chocolate.  This wee monkey was living high on the hog indeed.

More than a dozen calls had been placed to the police about the monkey which had been living entirely on Kinder chocolate treats, which is honestly the best thing you’re going to read today.  Are you familiar with Kinder chocolate?  They’re oddly illegal in the US due to worries over small parts, but basically it’s a chocolate egg and inside is a small, plastic egg that houses a cheap ass toy of some kind that the child (or monkey) who eats the egg can put together.  The chocolate is pretty delicious, though.  If you were a monkey you’d be pretty stoked to eat it.

How serious was the danger this monkey presented?  An actual quote says the monkey “caused bedlam.”  Isn’t that the best?  Have you ever been moved to describe anything using those words?  Clearly this monkey was either awesome and/or harassing some real sophisticates.  Sophisticates who had a plentiful supply of Kinder chocolate.

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Amongst the bedlam caused by the monkey were various aggressive attacks against children that included scratching.  The seriousness of this charge was mitigated somewhat by police later saying the monkey was malnourished and was likely abused by some of the children feeding it chocolate, causing it to act out.  So really, if a few French kids abuse a monkey and it scratches them in return, isn’t that just karmic justice?  Probably.  Little French buggers.

The monkey bandit could only elude police for so long, however, and eventually one particularly adept officer caught up with the little beast and did what anyone confronted with a criminal monkey would do – he Tased it.

Now in the hands of people more skilled in monkey handling, it’s believed the monkey may have been an illegal pet that some jackass Frenchman released into the city after it became an adult and was too difficult to deal with.  Let this be a lesson to you – monkeys aren’t good pets and they will steal your chocolate with such tenacity that only a Taser can bring them down.  Plus, and this is worth noting because it really did happen to an American couple who had a chimp as a pet, monkeys are not cute, little hairy people and can try to kill you. 

Back in 2005 in California, a man named St. James Davis was having a birthday party for his one-time pet chimp at a sanctuary when two other chimps escaped.  The resulting attack is one of the most brutal things you could ever imagine, with one of the apes literally gouging out St. James’s eye before biting his nose completely off, then biting right through his skull, destroying most of the man’s teeth and jaw.

St. James lost most of his finger in the attack as well, trying to force his hand down the chimp’s throat to get it away from his face.  When the 6’2” man finally collapsed, unable to try to defend himself any further, the two chimps continued their assault.  One bit off his genitals.

So a French monkey stealing chocolate is pretty cute and all, and maybe Tasing it seems a bit extreme, but let’s not forget that monkeys and apes are some of the scariest damn animals on Earth, made all the more terrifying but how cute and innocent they seem most of the time.