The Avengers: Age of Ultron is set to come out May 1 and kick off the summer blockbuster season. And while that movie will probably be good, if history has taught us nothing else it’s that most summer blockbusters are big on spectacle and short on anything else worth while. So, if you’ve decided to entertain people with soulless vacuousness, good for you! The summer blockbuster is an art form unto itself, forged in the white hot jism of Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer on the peaks of Mt. ‘Splosion! Is it as easy as having robots and boners wrestle with busty pirates while base jumping and shooting bazookas full of napalm-soaked machetes? Probably, but I’m calling dibs on that idea, so just finish reading the article.
Every ‘good’ summer blockbuster has some basic elements required to make it splendawesomical, which is a word that can only be used in this context, otherwise it’s friggin’ stupid.
Pick a Hook
Every summer blockbuster is contingent upon a hook. In other films this part will be filled in with plot but you don’t need that because “blockbuster” is Latin for “we didn’t try hard to write this” and plot is never required. Your hook is that thing which shows up in the commercials and posters which makes people want to go see your movie and then tell their friends things like “WAAAAAAAMYGAWD YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW AWESOME IT WAS!! GRAAAAWWW!! WHAZZAAA!!” while spinning and throwing high fives and Four Lokos around. Do they still make Four Loko? They will after your blockbuster tells them to.
Here are some popular hooks. Don’t worry if they’ve already been used in dozens of other blockbusters, that just means they’re good hooks.
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Pick a Face
If you want to fully sell your hook, you need to hang it on a face. Does that sentence make sense? Possibly. But there’s no time to think about it, you need to pick a leading man who will propel you into gold-plated, diamond money bags filled with racing cars and space lobsters that play piano! That stuff is worth solid bank.
You can’t make bank off of F Murray Abraham’s face, or Abraham Benrubi for that matter because no one knows who either of those guys are, not even me. Here’s the formula for determining how to cast a lead role;
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If Michael Bay has a base douche factor of 100, which he does, and a movie about robots has a lack of creativity of about a 75, then obviously Bay needed to cast an actor with a douche factor that is also 75, which is why Shia Labeouf was in those Transformers films. He lost out on the last one because he actually doubled down on douche and only a director like Christopher Nolan could have worked with him.
Pick a Chest
Every good leading man needs to be lead by boobies. Sorry ladies, it’s not that Hollywood wants to be sexist, it’s just that no one there knows what that word means. That’s a fact you can read in any encyclopedia published since the mid 1800s. The boobies should have a girl attached to them and she should have at least a rudimentary grasp of English as measured by something called The Megan Fox Index.
In “art” films like the Piano or The Muppets, you can cast women who have acting ability and talent and all that jazz that won’t jiggle no matter how much you slow down the footage, but for our purposes you need a woman that has been described with at least one of these terms by a movie blogger at some point;
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Pick Several Forms of Mayhem
So you’ve got a movie about exploding ninjas that stars Jason Biggs and features the boobs of Kate Upton, what do those three things do together? They can’t just sit around and have tea, that was the exact plot of the Piano and we already made fun of that once, sorta.
If you want to ace your blockbuster, toss in a handful of these – no more than 3 or 4 – ad watch the summer movie dollars roll in.
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Warning: There’s a small but definite chance your summer blockbuster may also be a movie that is what is known as “good.” If you have a good script and good actors than the above formulas may actually not work out at all and you could end up with the next Avengers. Good luck!