This Criminal Was Too Fat To Fit In The Squad Car Because Florida

It’s no secret that we’ve got a weight problem in America. That’s pretty obvious when someone releases a cheeseburger stuffed donut and we react to the news as if we just heard that Nicolas Cage is making another bad movie. 

Well, we’re now reaching critical levels of mass (literally). Some of us are so fat that we can’t fit in our most basic necessities such as track pants, photo booths, and even cars. Take, for instance, the tragic story of Howard Hendrix of Apopka, (wait for it) Florida. Sheriff’s deputies arrested him on several charges, including battery on a law enforcement officer, criminal mischief, resisting an officer without violence, battery causing bodily harm, and driving under the influence. Shame, if he had gotten five more charges, he could have earned a free football seafood salad sandwich from Subway. 

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Police had some considerable trouble taking him in during a domestic disturbance call because Hendrix weighs 500 pounds. Officers tried to take him away, but he used his enormous weight against them and had to literally be dragged to the squad car in handcuffs. The problem is that he wouldn’t fit in any of the officers’ cars. Somehow, the officers brought him to the county jail where we’re certain he didn’t have a cellmate. 

This might sound like a sad and sorry note in our nation’s growing struggle to control obesity, but we see an upside. If every suspect weighed as much as Hendrix, this is certainly going to make police officers’ jobs much easier since they won’t have to waste a lot of time chasing down suspects on foot. And if they do manage to run away far enough to hide, the heavy breathing from having to run more than 10 feet will certainly give away their position.