Do Your School Twerk: The Case of the Twerkin’ Teacher

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jul. 11, 2014

Remember being a student?  Science and math and that time your teacher got her ass all up in the air and started flopping it around like a fish left on the dock in the summer sun?  No?  Well, school’s changed, time to get up to date with the times, son.

Down in Florida, because of course, a middle school teacher named Courtney Spruill was working as both a gym teacher and a soccer coach and neither one seemed to satisfy her need to make her ass do a Flappy Bird impression in front of students.  For that she needed an end of the year team party.

In this case, the school soccer team had an end of the year party at the house of one of the students.  Spruill, new to our planet and our customs, brought a bottle of vodka as a gift, found time at some point to get a lap dance from a student, and then offered up a twerking lesson.  If the party had gone any longer we can assume she would have started smoking some opium and maybe strangled a migrant worker.

These decisions were later referred to by the school board as the “exercise of poor judgment.”  School boards are notorious for calling anything short of full blown arson while school is in session just a lapse in judgment, and, like the Catholic Church, are willing to let teachers get away with anything up to the level of snuff films so long as there’s very little evidence of it to make the Board look bad.  Make no mistake, if a teacher slept with literally every student in a school but no one told the news about it, there’s not a school board in the country that would ever say a peep about it if they found out.  Like punching someone in the dark, it’s a victimless crime.  Until the media hears, then it’s a whole new ball game.

Anyway, back to Spruill.  The school board suspended her for 15 days without pay.  On a teacher’s salary, that means she may have been out of upwards of $500 or more.  On the other hand it was in July and isn’t the school year over then anyway?  What the hell was she suspended from?

If this story sounds familiar to you it’s because this literally happens all the time now.  You can’t go to school anymore with a teacher’s vagina flying at you like an Alien facehugger.  Science can probably explain why, it just hasn’t bothered yet and the rest of us are left to deal with the aftermath which is a story nearly every week about a new teacher doing something inappropriate. Like this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one. And this one.  You get the idea.

If this happens all the time, why write about this one?  Because this one was special.  We’d put a solid $5 on this woman not even believing she did anything wrong.  Unlike a teacher who bones a student because 14 year olds are just so super sexy these days (Ed. Note – that was sarcasm, please don’t send Chris Hansen to talk to us), Spruill probably thought she was just getting cool and hip with the kids in a relaxed environment.  “Hey kids, this is how you make your ass flabble jab around like that Miley Cyrus girl I know you’re a fan of, just look!”  And then she put herself at some kind of angle against the wall and proceeded to waggle her turd cutter like an epileptic trying to deal with a strobe light.

During the lap dance it’s likely Spruill had a second thought or two about what she was doing, but maybe wrote it off as end of the year fun and shenanigans, and that’s why we salute her today, for her piss poor judgment is the sort of stuff hilarious online articles dream of.