Today in Florida we find out just why it is not a good idea to do “the” drugs. A man named good ole’ Geoff Gaylord in Jacksonville confessed to police that he had repeatedly stabbed a man with a kitchen knife, cut him up with a hatchet and buried him in his backyard. While that sounds horrible you will be thankful to know one small detail; the person Gaylord “killed” was named “Mr. Happy” and was his imaginary friend. This is one murder where cops will definitely have to sketch the victim in lieu of finding a body.
Now before you start to judge, this might be understandable. A few times while watching Sesame Street as a kid it seemed to me like Big Bird wanted to cut the throat of imaginary friend Snuffleupagus and have a Hawaiian barbecue with his big, bloated carcass roasting over the fire pit.
Snuffy doing the meat spin.
However when Gaylord walked into the Sherrif’s office to confess his crimes, he had some very specific and sound reasons for killing “Mr. Happy” who it seems didn’t make him very happy. He told the police that Mr. Happy angered him after;
“He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… never picked up his empty cocaine baggies…He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn’t get it clean…Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF…We’d go dancing, play on the children’s park equipment, both huge fans of doom metal – listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.”
They sound like they were made for each other! Children’s park equipment and listening to doom metal with the lights off with your imaginary bro! Just a few messy cocaine baggies, why’d you have to murder him Gaylord?
“That drunk driving incident I got unfairly blamed for and just how messy he had become put me over the edge and I murdered him.”
Gaylord was arrested after he threatened the cops for not immediately giving him the death penalty for killing “Mr. Happy.” Police later found drug paraphernalia and a machine gun at his house.. but still no Mr. Happy.
It sounds like he would get all liquored up, black out and “Mr. Happy” would visit. It’s kind of like at the end of Fight Club when the main character discovers that Tyler Durden isn’t real.
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney