The History of 5 of the World’s Most Famous Sex Toys

Ian-Fortey by Ian-Fortey on Jan. 22, 2014

What’s more awesome than sex toys?  Job security, a family, a nice house, access to good food and clean water, education, spending time with friends; it’s a really long list.  But in general, sex toys are pretty cool. And even though a lot of people talk about the good old days and lament how perverse and depraved the modern world is, anyone with sense knows the world has always been this way – read some Victorian literature if you think our ancestors were chaste and wholesome. We’re naughty by nature.  And here are some of our greatest hits.

Ancient Dildos

If you’ve ever laughed at something penis shaped, you understand why the dildo is clearly the world’s first sex toy.  The phallus is a shape you can find anywhere – fruits and vegetables, natural rock formations, anything you roll in your hands, they’re everywhere.  Our ancient ancestors were likely giggling over dick-shaped produce as much as we do and their wives and girlfriends were secretly wondering if they could have fun with those cucumbers once they were alone.  Evidence of this has been found for years by archaeologists.

Back in 2005, archaeologists in German found a stone phallus in a cave believed to be about 30,000 years old.  30,000!  That means this was a straight up caveman dildo.  At about 9 inches in length and made of siltstone, the lifelike size (well, lifelike compare to some of us) indicates that th e tool was probably more than just a “fertility symbol” as many archaeologists pretend ancient dildos were.

Fact is, dildos made of stone and wood and antler have been dug up all over the world, but scientists refused to call them what they were, instead referring to them as fertility idols for no other reason than they were embarrassed and stuck up.  The topic was uncomfortable and they refused to acknowledge it.  But none of that changes what is obvious to us now, in amore liberal age, than when you see a perfectly smooth dildo with a handle, it was obviously used for sex and we’ve been using them since we had the ability to smooth out stone.

Bee-Vibe

The evolution of the dildo is the vibrator, it mixes technology with ancient ingenuity to bring a nefarious stimulation to the next level.  There’s a widespread rumor that the world’s first vibrator dates back to Cleopatra herself.  How would Cleo make a vibrator in a time before electricity?  Rumor has it (completely backed up by nothing factual whatsoever) that she had live bees inserted into a hollow gourd.  The gourd was plugged, and maybe given a shake, and then we assume Cleopatra grabbed it in a figure four leg lock and wrestled it around until the bees grew sleepy.

Is this in any way realistic or even plausible?  I had no bees handy to determine if it was possible, but man it’s a good story.

Butt Plugs

Research tells me butt plugs were invented under the guise of being medically helpful.  They were supposed to stop “unwanted emissions” for men and they’ve been around since the 1800s when they were basically just wooden balls that more or less fit in your bum.  The idea was that it would put pressure on your prostate and that would trick your sperm into saddling up and heading back to your bladder where it apparently came from, and you wouldn’t waste a drop like you normally do when you don’t have wooden eggs up your butt.

Sex Dolls

If you associate Nazis with sex, you probably need a therapist or prison time.  Nonetheless, the Nazis did have some preoccupation with sex because nothing about the Nazi empire isn’t terrible, so why not ruin sex, too?

In 1941, German engineers (ed note- just some weird Nazis) created a ‘gynoid’ or “artificial woman” for the Dresden Hygiene Museum.  So a lot of things in that sentence are hard to understand. Gynoid?  Hygiene Museum?  You bet.

Why a gynoid?  It was the brainchild of the SS creeper Heinrich Himmler and its purpose was to counterbalance the sexual urges of the stormtroopers.  Called "The BorghildProject," they would be sent after troops overtook a population to ensure that German soldiers did not sully themselves with foreign women, potential cross breeding or catching disease because apparently there was a great concenr with how unclean French women were (that's not a joke, that was the real reason).  They were to be made with high tensile strength and elasticity and possess an artificial face of lust.  What more could a man want?  Maybe to not be a Nazi.

Word is soldiers refusedto carry them out of embarassment and the entire factory was destroyed when Dresden was bombed, but for a time it seemed to be a fairly important Nazi project.  If only they'd included that as a subplot in Raiders of the Lost Ark somewhere.

Fleshlight

Back in 1994, the world was just starting to appreciate all the filth the internet might have to offer, but Steve Shubin had another problem- his wife was pregnant with twins and, being over 40, her health was a concern.  Sex was off limits during the course of the pregnancy so Shubin had to take matters into his own hands. But not by using his hand.  Deciding he needed something else to use, he started daydreaming. Eighteen months and $750,000 later, the Fleshlight was born and we were all better for it!

Since that time Fleshlights have been modeled after numerous adult stars, the aliens from Avatar, zombies, Frankenstein and one’s even just a mouth filled with vampire fangs.  What an age we live in.