Five Questions To Ponder During The Apocalypse

The Mayans predicted our demise and that day has come (however, they couldn’t predict their own demise, yet people take this seriously, so…). As you’re preparing for life to end, you’ll go through many emotions. Sadness, madness, possibly happiness, all of this combined. And you’ll be pondering what everything was all about, why were were even given a chance to live life and be a part of this crazy world.

Here are the five biggest questions you’ll ponder. Each one is answered by the five main members of our editorial staff.

1. What is your biggest regret?

Earnest – KFC’s Double Down. What was I trying to prove? Who was I hoping to impress? That was really the beginning of the end in many ways.

Chest pains? More like non-American pains! EAT THIS!

Mark – Not telling Linda how much I loved her. I always wanted to, but my bitch wife was always like “stop talking to my sister and help me move this couch” and “why do you have an erection when you’re with Linda.” Ugh.

Ian – I never got to make it with Susan Sarandon.

Rob – Never got to meet Amber Lee Ettinger

Brand – Not Being Batman.

2. What will you miss most?

Earnest – Certainly not looking at porn on the Internet, no matter what my search history might suggest. Wait, I mean, certainly not looking at educational material on the internet, no matter what my search history might suggest.

Mark – My daily breakfast of four eggs, four strips of bacon, and four pancakes.

Ian – Taco Bell, plus unconditional love.

Rob – Chicks wearing Yoga Pants or Twinkies.  Toss up.

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Probaby the greatest gift given to mankind.

Brand – Batman.

3. What will you miss least?

Earnest – Iowa. I’ve never been. I’m just sick of hearing about it.

Mark – All my heart attacks.

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If I’m paying for health care, I’m f**king using it!

Ian – Sucka MCs

Rob – Doomsday Predictions

Brand – Cheese.

4. Who do you hope you can spend the final moments of the apocalypse with?

Earnest – My wife. Hopefully, we will die in each other’s embrace, our bodies preserved in such a way that future civilizations might mistakenly think it romantic when really, upon further consideration, it should be considered creepy to be able watch one couple’s pristinely preserved last moments of sheer terror before their lives are extinguished.

Mark – Break user “llga01” so I can hear how the Mayan apocalypse is Obama’s fault.

Ian – I get to choose?  Susan Sarandon.

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Total GILF

Rob – The dude that keyed my car while I was in the gym Friday night.

Brand – Since I choose to believe that Batman died at the end of “The Dark Knight Rises,” I would like to spend the final moments of the Apocalypse with A Really Cool Dog Or Dawg.

5. What is one thing you’d like to pass on to the next civilization?

Earnest – A variety of communicable diseases.  What? It’s to help them build up their immunities so that they don’t get wiped out by the sudden appearance of a small virus!

Mark – I ain’t giving them shit.

Ian – Quality control your Mayan calendar makers.  Fire them if necessary.

Rob – That there are two very important keys to success:  First, never tell them everything you know…

Brand – All of the Batman films except “Batman Forever,” and “Batman & Robin.”

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Future civilazations might write us off once they see those two things…

Submit your answers to these questions in the comments below!