Five Crazy Things We’d Believe if Stephen Hawking Said Them

When you hear the name “Stephen Hawking” you think, “Oh, this guy is going to tell me something that A) blows my mind, B) I will never be smart enough to really understand, and C) will be pretty frickin’ awesome.” If Stephen Hawking told us our butts were made of baloney we’d all go right to a strip club carrying a loaf of bread. And in that vein, here are five other ridiculous things we’d believe if Stephen Hawking told us they were true.


5) Sinkholes Open Into Alternate Universes

Back in March, when a man’s bedroom literally disappeared into a sixty-foot sinkhole, the world became aware that sometimes the earth just swallows us up.

If Stephen Hawking explained to us on his talky-computer (which makes everything sound like irrefutable computerized fact) that this sinkhole actually opened up into an alternate universe, would you argue with him? Would you jump down that gaping maw of a Sarlacc pit to see what was inside? No? Well Stephen Hawking did – with his brain. Now watch as college students on spring break from FSU leap into sinkholes like lemmings looking for a buzz.


4) Quantum Mechanics Means We Can Walk Through Walls

There’s a basic concept called tunneling, which means that particles have the ability to “tunnel” through what we would normally consider insurmountable barriers.

Now imagine if Stephen Hawking told us that Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle – the principle that states you can’t ever know the exact coordinates and velocity of any particle – applies to people. What would happen? Prison inmates would cease all racial hostilities to spend eight hours a day walking into the walls in the hopes of escaping Shawshank-style. Why dig with a tiny rock-pick when quantum mechanics works just as well?


3)  Gravity is Subjective

One press conference where Stephen Hawking declares that gravity is subjective and all hell will break loose. If gravity works in the direction you feel like having it work, well, parachute-less base jumping will become a new trend.


2) Electricity is a Good Source of Vitamin C

Watch as parents of toddlers de-baby proof their houses in the anticipation of their children getting literally jolted with high doses of vitamin C.

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All those years of Hawking being satirized in the media would find comeuppance in outlets, hair driers in the bath and electrified fences from Paris, France to Paris, Texas.


1) Superstring Theory Validates Superheroes

Superstring theory posits that everything in the universe is comprised of infinitesimally small, vibrating filaments, or strings. This theory is controversial within the theoretical physics community, but if proven correct would bridge the unresolved contradictions between the theories of general relativity and quantum mechanics.

All of this would become irrelevant, though, as nerdy, comic book reading outcasts became convinced of their latent superpowers once Hawking told them this theory proved their existence. The fat kid with acne would stand up to football players; the math whiz would use his enhanced “charisma” to seduce the girl’s soccer team; the theater geek would get his driver’s license. There’s no telling how far the nerd revolution would go.

– Nathan Bloch