Thick Thief Tried To Steal Steaks By Sitting On Them

A somewhat corpulent Walmart shopper tried to get his holiday shopping in early by stealing a bunch of steaks and hiding them under his bulbous ass as he left the store. 


Police arrested Rodney Fowler, 43, in a South Carolina Walmart after security personnel at the store caught him trying to leave with the steaks without paying for them. First, they spotted him taking five ribeye steaks out of the freeze and placing them in his motorized scooter. Then he tried to hide them by sitting on them. He exited the store “passing all points of sale without attempting to pay for said merchandise,” according to the police report, which is 5-Oh lingo for “dude is smuggling steaks in his butt.”


Security personnel stopped Fowler (we presume that more than one of them were required to stop him and his 9 volts of escape velocity) and escorted him back to the store while they waited for police to arrive. Officers tried to place Fowler in handcuffs but his wrists proved too much like hams for a single pair so they had to use two pairs of handcuffs before placing him in the squad car. He was charged with shoplifting and released after spending three hours in jail when he posted his bond. The police report did not say what happened to the stolen steaks. Considering what Fowler did with them, they were likely exorcised and buried in an unmarked grave.  Although this is Wal Mart we’re talking about, so they may have been polished with a damp rag and put back on the shelf. 


We’re not even sure what Fowler was thinking. Who would want to eat steaks that have been under a guy’s ass, especially your own? The only benefit is that he wouldn’t have to defrost them when he got them home. Or season them, for that matter. Yeah, that ne even grossed us out.