Fast Food Restaurants: Death’s Drivethru?

Doesn’t matter if you’re at a McDonald’s in New York, a Subway in Texas, or a Taco Bell in France, when you find yourself inside the warm confines of a fast food restaurant the outside world melts away – put me in a Popeye’s in the middle of Hurricane Sandy and see if I give one shit as I dive into my Po’ Boy. Or at least it used to be this way…before the last few weeks started happening. Which leads me pose to you this question: Is it even safe to eat fast food anymore?

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I know grinding out an entire 8-minute video is nearly impossible for our generation, but if you made it to the end of this one, carried on the wings of the girl’s incredibly sexy, raspy voice, you saw the complete development of a full mental meltdown. Now listen, I understand that getting bacon served to you without ruler straight rigidity is absolutely disgusting, but that in no way warrants this sort of reaction. And honestly, in this day and age, when 4-year olds are bringing guns to pre-school, you just never know anymore. Someone just needs to tell her that shit happens… that’s life. Grow up and start drinking Starbucks like the rest of us.

And then we have our more traditional freakouts. No Facebook threats, no self-promotion- this psycho is doing it strictly for the love of the game:

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You gotta respect this guy’s utter neglect for the 21st century. As if cell phones and security cameras don’t even exist, he just saunters up to the window and unleashes his rage. So what has this man who’s about one undercooked order of fries away from a shooting spree taught us? You just don’t know what to expect anymore, and the threat of danger is always lurking in the fast food game.

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You know where 2,000-pound vehicles don’t crash through windows at deathly speeds? Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. I don’t know what it is about fast food that just brings the crazy out of people, but it does, even when it’s unintentional like it is here. Fate guided that car right past the Marshall’s and straight into the first place with a value menu, proving it’s not just the customers. That’s the scary part. The industry itself has done a pretty efficient job destroying the glory that once was fast food and replacing it with fear– Burger King now has optional razor blades on its burgers!

I’m thinking “everywhere” may be a bad spot for Burger King to keep its razorblades

And here we find a piece that details some of the behind-the-scenes prep work that goes into Taco Bell’s operation.

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What the article fails to mention is the 34 likes on Instagram, making this career choice 100% worth it.

So I guess it’s time to throw fast food on that ever-expanding list of places we now need to fear, right up there with elementary schools, movie theatres, and strip malls. Yes, the days of a spontaneous Frosty trip with zero fear are long gone and instead, we must constantly look over our shoulder for the next star of the 6 o’clock news. We’ve lost fast food, people, and I for one am shocked it’s gotten to this point.

Jake Stasser is a guest blogger who has also written for Barstool Sports. Follow him on Twitter here.