Beware the Vampire Terror Deer

It’s been 60 years since the last sighting of the Kashmir musk deer – a fanged hell-beast that looks like a cross between Nosferatu and Bambi. A study from the Wildlife Conservation Society confirms that the animal (?) was recently found living in Afghanistan, which by all accounts is now an even worse place to live.


With dark eyes and sharp teeth, the Kashmir musk deer surprisingly do not suck blood. Instead they use their fangs during mating season to fight other males and impress females, much like Luis Suárez. Of course, that’s info from the same wildelife officials who had basically declared this beast extinct, so how much can we trust their word?  Instead, just assume those teeth will be used to pry the eyes from your still warm skull after they’ve disembowled you and eaten your spleen.


The Kashmir are hunted by poachers because of their scent glands, which are valued at over $20,000 a pound on the black market. I’m not sure who sets those prices or who discovered that the urine of this demon would make a good perfume. Some bored visionary, I suppose.  No one in the office has much of a guess what those glands smell like but our money’s on “deer piss.”


Because of its value and dwindling population, it is now considered an endangered species. Is that wise? Do we really want to protect this creature from extinction? This planet already has enough things that want to bite the shit out of us, and Syfy doesn’t need any more sources of inspiration for their terrible offerings?  In any event, if you want to see one or smell its glands, book yourself a flight to Afghanistan today!