Let’s face it. We live in an extremely strange world. Kardashians are household names, while almost no Americans know the names of the politicians in the Ukraine. We buy bottled water that sometimes costs more than it would take to feed a third world family for a day. We easily get bored, we are pretty fat, and we would rather see a super hero movie than an Oscar flick. All of which are strange, if you think about it, but not quite as strange as our sex lives. Some of us are sex addicts, while others are virgins. Some want to do it with a donkey, while others like golden showers. (And yes, both of those examples are gross -- don’t be looking for us here to validate your fetishes, weirdos.) Arguably though the way that we are the most extremely strange, and in a way that has no real parallel in any other species in the animal kingdom, is that we are thrill seekers. We like extreme sports, with the thrill of the danger being a big part of the rush. Naturally, or unnaturally depending on your viewpoint, we sometimes take our sex drive and our love of extreme sports and put them together. That’s why, ladies and germs, we are proud to announce our First Annual Extreme Sex Olympics.
WHAT ARE THE EXTREME SEX OLYMPICS?
Like the real Olympics, we invite competitors to take a crack at crazy stuff but with a sexual twist. Sure, you could do the Luge with lube, but we are here to push the envelope. None of the garden variety stuff for us. Sex in an airplane? Passe. Sex in a car? Boring. We are here to salute the true pioneers of extreme sex.
Our first competitors are porn star Alex Torres and Hope Howell, who in 2011 had sex while skydiving. The story actually became an even bigger deal when the FAA investigated it to determine if it was legal, and concluded it was. So next time you think the FAA is a bunch of prudes, remember that they are the guys who didn’t ban sex while jumping out of a plane. Go Government!
Water skiing has been around for decades, so naturally having sex while water skiing is a fantasy for some. Plus it is the only Extreme Sex Olympic event that for some reason Canadians always win, perhaps due in part to the fact that it is actually depicted on the Canadian One Dollar Bill. Is it potentially dangerous? Sure, but so is doing crack and we all know that every Canadian elected official from the Mayor on down is a full time crack head.
Next up in our Extreme Sex Olympics is sex while being chased by a bear. This one actually was all the rage in the early 1930’s, until a tragic accident involving Franklin Delano Roosevelt resulted in his losing the usage of his legs. Apparently, he and his wife, legendary sex kitten Eleanor Roosevelt, got a little too caught up in the heat of the moment and the bear caught him, mangling his legs forever. She fortunately escaped and was able to continue her dual careers as First Lady and stripper.
Our next extreme sex event involves having sex while inside a giant burrito. The most difficult part is not actually the sex part, but being put inside the giant burrito. Much like auto racing, contestants need a full team of helpers to do the wrapping and folding, let alone to add the guacamole or the habaneros for the truly adventurous competitors. Other obstacles, such as getting cheese on your penis or sour cream in your vagina, can be overcome with years of practice. Thanks to sponsors like Taco Bell, this event has become one of the most popular in the country. According to The International Lies About Burritos newsletter, it has recently eclipsed both the NFL and NBA as America’s favorite sport.
Our final extreme sex event involves a box of raisins, a baby porcupine and a copy of Homer’s “The Iliad.” This is the one event that allows for pure freestyle creativity, as contestants must incorporate all three of those items into a sex act. So far, no one has figured out how to do it, but one man from Norway came very close. Unfortunately, he was using a copy of Homer’s “The Odyssey” so he was immediately disqualified and sent back to Norway with his head hung low in shame.
COME ON, YOU MUST BE PULLING MY LEG. I DON’T BELIEVE THE THINGS ABOUT THE BEAR OR THE CANADIANS OR THE BURRITO OR THE PORCUPINE. WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL US ABOUT EXTREME SEX THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?
Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud. Whatever. Here’s one you’re bound to enjoy. It happened in 2013 in the Ukraine and involves a couple having sex on train tracks when the train ended up running them over. What on earth a train might have been doing on the train tracks was clearly a mystery to these two romantic Einsteins. The woman died and the dude lost his legs during the incident. According the UPI:
"The Ukraine Interior Ministry said in a written statement that the man told police in Zaporozhye they had "failed to overcome their natural passion when walking home ... and wanted to experience an extreme sensation near the railroad tracks."
If you are ever in bushes of Zimbabwe and want to have some extreme sex, let this strange but true story be a lesson. As reported by the New York Daily News, a couple was having sex in the bush when they were attacked by a lion. The lion, clearly not a cowardly one, was not the only one looking for some action.
"Passersby in the lakeshore town near the border with Zambia ignored the naked man’s pleas for help fearing he was mentally ill. Finally taken seriously, wildlife officials responded and fired a single shot to scare off the beast, but the woman was already dead. Unfortunately the woman, who was also known as Mai Desire, was mauled to death by the lion but her boyfriend managed to escape naked and he was only wearing a condom,” a source told My Zimbabwe. “The two were having their quality time near Mahombekombec Primary School.”
Ah yes, the two were having “their quality time” indeed.
MY ROOMMATE SAYS I CAN GET HURT DURING EXTREME SEX. I SAY HE’S A JERK AND I WANT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE NECK. IS HE RIGHT THOUGH?
Few would have guessed that over sixty years after television first swept America that a program entitled “Sex Sent Me to the ER” would hit the airwaves. The show, which believe it or not is on The Learning Channel, details all kinds of sexual activities that have resulted in injury. This clip shows a couple who melted a gummy bear and then got burned. Literally. If you hadn’t already learned your lesson about sex with a bear somehow involved from earlier in this article, time to take it to heart. So next time Yogi Bear or even Boo Boo offers to go down on you, just say no.
Another extreme sex disaster as shown on the series involved Pop Rocks being put inside the woman’s vagina. In our increasingly litigious society, this might well lead to all Pop Rocks packages bearing a special label saying: “Warning. Do Not Insert In Vagina.” Then again, Charlie Sheen has that tattooed to his forehead and look how effective that was.
Dr. Manny Alvarez, Fox News Channel’s Senior Managing Editor for Health News (that is his actual title, incredibly enough - apparently Dr. Doolittle was too busy), wrote an enraged article about the show:
In reports of one episode, a 440-pound man manages to put his 110 pound girlfriend’s head through a sheetrock wall while having sex with her. As the drama develops in this brilliant piece of television, the frightened boyfriend tries to dislodge the girlfriend’s head from the wall, thinking she is dead. In reality, she ends up in the ER with a concussion. Another episode reportedly features a man who broke his penis while having a threesome with his wife and mistress. Once they arrive in the ER, the wife and mistress then engage in a brawl over who was responsible for the damage.
And voila – we have, “Sex Sent Me to the ER.” Stay tuned for further injuries.
Shows like this are stupid, reprehensible and just plain disgusting. How can our society support such a stupid and violent depiction of sex? These days, it’s common to hear of people engaging in sexual acts that place their partner in danger. I’ve seen these injuries in the ER, and they are no joke.
Chill, Dr. Manny. Just because you don’t have threesomes and don’t even have a grown man’s first name is no reason for you to be a hater. Grab a giant burrito and jump on in.
Written By Daniel Bernstein