Everything Wrong With This Plot To Kill Joss Stone


These two guys, Junior Bradshaw and Kevin Liverpool, were just convicted of plotting to rob and kill Joss Stone for no reason other than they hated her. This had to be one of the stupidest plots in recent history. Let’s look at the facts:


  • First off, these are the only two guys in the world who even care enough about Joss Stone to hate her. Do you even know who Joss Stone is? She’s a British soul singer who released her first album in 2003. She released an album titled Introducing Joss Stone in 2007, presumably because people still hadn’t heard of her. 

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This is Joss Stone


  • Notes were found on these guys detailing their plans to decapitate Joss Stone and dump her body in a river. Seriously? You had to keep a to-do list to remind you to decapitate her?
  • They used Google Street View to find out where she lived, but they got lost seven miles from her house. So… “Print out directions” wasn’t on their to-do list?        
  • They asked a post officer for directions to her home, using a picture to help track her down. First off, that’s just further proof that nobody knows who Joss Stone is, and, two, I hope the photo was just the cover of one of her albums. “Um… we’re looking for her?”
  • They were driving a Fiat Punto. You barely have room for a dead body in a Fiat Punto. In Europe, car makers have never really designed cars with room in the back seat for corpses.

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  • They crashed their car into a railing and an excavator and thought “Let’s keep going. There’s no way this is going to arouse suspicion at all.”
  • They brought a black-handled samurai sword, three knives, a section of garden hosepipe, two hammers, black gloves and ski masks with them. It’s almost like they over-prepared except they clearly didn’t. Also, again, they were in that Fiat Punto. At some point, they were going to have to decide “Do we keep the sword we paid for, or do we keep Joss’s head?”
  • They had this note scribbled down in a journal: “The Queen – she-devil. But she likes Joss Stone. Invited to Will’s wedding by Queen. Where’s the sense in that?” Stop worrying about who the queen invites to a wedding! It’s that lack of focus that led to such an awful plan in the first place.

– Earnest

Follow me on Twitter @earnestp