So I saw this commercial on TV the other day…
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Dude, stop laughing. How can you expect me to take your disease seriously if you can’t? Awww, don’t cry. I wasn’t trying to be mean. It’s just you’re suffering from Pseudobulbar Affect (or PBA), a disease that I’m pretty sure was made up by the people selling you the medicine for it. It’s like how Paula Deen convinced people to mainline butter and sugar and then began hawking diabetes medicine. You just can’t trust anyone who wants to sell you meds, especially that “doctor” who works out of Starbucks. They’re all in it for themselves. I looked this disease up in an equally imaginary medical encyclopedia, and it said that main medical precursor to suffering from PBA was suffering from Restless Leg Syndrome, which itself was a symptom of chronic gullibility.
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I can already hear the outrage. “How can you be so insensitive, Break?” Well, first off, my name is Earnest– not Break. Second off, did you see the commercial? I think it’s fair to suggest the drug company was being insensitive, first. That commercial is a dare. They came up with the most ridiculous thing they could think of, put it on TV, and dared America not to laugh. Actually it’s a double dog dare. They lost the first dare with Restless Leg Syndrome. After this, they’ll probably go for broke and just put a picture of an anus on your TV and show it talking. “Do you suffer from Overcommunicative Butthole Syndrome? If so, we’ve got some pacifier shaped suppositories for you. But first, make sure you, your butthole, and your doctor discuss all the potential side effects of this medicine. Possible side effects include Restless Leg Syndrome, PBA, and a four-hour crooked erection.”
The fact is we know so little about our bodies that it’s easy for Big Pharma to take advantage of us. Today I found myself staring at my pinkies, wondering why they were so far separated from my other fingers. If an ad had come on television at that moment asking, “Do you suffer from separated metacarpals?” I’d have been on the phone with my doctor immediately. Once he stopped laughing, I’d ask him if he was ridiculing me or if that was just his PBA flaring up. The worst part is you know there’s someone at home thinking, “That’s totally me. I haven’t stopped laughing in days.” Since when was finding things hilarious a medical condition? It’s part of the Break job description! Are we crazy? Well, I did post a video of a 90-year-old white guy grinding on chicks in a black club the other night, so maybe I do need my head checked.