Election Night 2016 Drinking Guide To Help Celebrate Or Forget

A lot of Americans like to argue over the 1st and 2nd Amendments to the US Constitution, but for us booze hounds the only amendment that matters is the 21st Amendment. The 21st repealed prohibition and made drinking legal again.   

You could say it was the original political campaign to “Make America Great Again” – or at least Make America Tolerable Again now that we could all get legally plastered.

One thing is for sure; on this election night one half of America is going to be celebrating and the other half is going to be pissed. That is why it is best to stop arguing and lets everyone just get pissed.

Pro tip: do not eat the stickers.

So no matter which candidate you are voting for, here is a drinking guide to help you celebrate, and/or forget the nightmarish hell scape post apocalypse you know the other candidate is going to make us descend into.

The Tequila Blue Blazer

Ingredients: 1 ounce, Tequila, 2 ounces mescal combined. 2 ounces of boiling water are put in a separate pitcher. Then the tequila is lit on fire and then poured into the boiling water.

Should Drink If:  You hate Hillary Clinton.

The name of this thing evokes setting a blue pant suit on fire, with the iconic Mexican liquor; something her political opponents would love to see. In lieu of committing political violence this Election Day if you truly hate the former Secretary of State drink a Tequila Blue Blazer to forget her name. Be careful that this hot drink doesn’t LEAK all over you like a basket of Hillary’s emails. 

A Screwdriver

Ingredients: Orange juice and Russian Vodka.

Should Drink If: You hate Donald Trump.

If you truly hate Donald Trump there is nothing like keeping it real simple with a good old fashioned screw driver to celebrate getting screwed by “Orange Hitler.” On Election Night bring America back to the good old days by not making things too fancy. With some pulp free orange juice, and a few shots of Russian Vodka to remind you who is really in control of this election. Real men will drink a Screwdriver minus the orange juice orange juice is for losers and whiners. As Americans may soon be saying; “Dosvedanya!”

The Zombie

Ingredients: Pineapple juice, orange juice, apricot brandy, sugar, light rum, dark rum, lime juice blended with Bacardi 151 on top.

Should Drink: If you are voting for Gary Johnson

There are absolutely no regulations on this drink as it is known for having extremely high alcohol content. The Zombie is a good alternative if you hate both Screwdrivers and really aren’t sure if a Tequila Blue Blazer would do right by you.

The Vaportini

Ingredients: Any alcohol heated to 140 degrees then inhaled through a straw.

Should Drink: If you are voting for Jill Stein

By heating and inhaling alcohol vapors the Vaportini is an obnoxious alternative to just drinking a cocktail. This allows the alcohol to enter the bloodstream quicker, through the lungs bypassing the stomach and liver. While there are some positive elements to the Vaportini such as avoiding traditional booze induced hangovers or calories for the diet minded, there are some other issues with the Vaportini. There is a lot of negative science behind a Vaportini which anyone willing to drink one has to ignore. This drink has zero chance of being good for you but will get you so messed up, you will brag to anyone who will listen that you drank it.

The Mind Eraser

Ingredients:  Vodka, Kahlua and tonic water on ice.

Should Drink: If your candidate loses.

A now classic drink the Mind Eraser is an easy to put together recipe in an emergency should you find yourself on the losing side of history Tuesday night. Not only that if you drink enough of them you will actually have your “mind erased” in a delicious way.

Champagne or Miller High Life: The Champagne of Beers!

Should Drink: If your candidate WINS.

To celebrate the political victory over what as was sure to take America in the wrong direction, you got to go with some Champagne. Sure, real Champagne is French but that doesn’t stop real Americans from pouring it all over each other for every victory. The most expensive champagne ever sold was a bottle called “Taste of Diamonds” made with 18 ct solid white gold and a diamond cut Swarovski crystal that went for 14 million dollars. Some Super PAC might be able to afford that kind of celebratory drink, but if that is too fancy for your taste, perhaps the Champaign of Beers, Miller High Life will do the trick just fine.

At first I thought this would be kind of fun but now I really just want to drink so I don’t have to deal with watching this unfold.

What do you plan on drinking tonight?!

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney