Now that pot is being legalized all across the country we can expect it to lose its mystique as the cool drug to use for all the semi-rebellious stoners in the world who want to get high but are also deathly afraid of actual hard narcotics. Once grandma is legally allowed to smoke pot with you it just gets lame. How’s a burnout supposed to get a buzz now? Hopefully not by trying any of these ideas which are arguably the worst ways anyone has ever come up with to get high.
If you thought I-dosing was the name of some stupid hipster BS that doesn’t even mean anything, you’d be both forgiven and correct. Because we live in a world where people think adding “I” before a word make it sound techy and cool, we have this foolish idea which is basically listening to music. Feel like tripping out yet? Wait, it gets worse.
I-dosing supposedly involves listening to audio tracks that mess with your brain in a way that can mimic the highs you get from ecstasy or weed. How does it do that? Well the complicated answer involves different tones played in each ear at different frequencies which your brain then sorts out. It’s been used as a legit way to treat anxiety, apparently. And, for some reason, people think it can totally induce dopamine production and, like, give you a totally crazy high, man! That’s a load of crap, incidentally. It does nothing. But if teenagers with their buttchugging have taught us nothing else it’s that they’ll believe anything no matter how stupid it sounds.
Smarties are exactly what you think they are – tiny sugary candies that are a little sour. How does that get you high? It doesn’t, but shh. We’re dealing with kids again and kids are kind of stupid. The gist of this is that you crush them up and snort them because someone, somewhere decided that any kind of crushed, snortable powder must be a drug. This is terribly untrue, but again, kids are stupid.
Snorting smarties will likely burn your nose a bit, and could lead to an infection if you get them in your lungs, and then maybe the hospital will give you something that will make you high. But in all honesty, if eating Smarties won’t get you high, why would snorting them do anything?
This one’s as old as the hills and at least causes a genuine high, so thumbs up to industrious stoners for picking up on this one. Nutmeg contains myristicin, a compound that can cause hallucinations. Sounds promising so far. All you need to do is eat maybe 6 teaspoons full o the stuff (don’t do it cinnamon challenge style). Sounds good, right? Eh, not really.
The downside o a nutmeg high is that you’re also likely to start vomiting, get dizzy, have trouble going to the bathroom, have diarrhea, paranoia and an all around feeling like you have the worst flu you’ve ever experienced. Plus a two day hangover. It also takes hours to take effect. So really there’s no upside to a nutmeg high at all.
In terms of getting high, nothing is more adorable than toad licking. To start with, you need to convince the toad to make its toxin, which you can do by tickling its chin. Isn’t that cute? Then the glands on its back begin secreting something called a bufotoxin.
To do this as safely as possible you should collect the toad’s secretions, dry them and smoke them according to some pre-established rules and ratios. The result is a psychoactive experience that isn’t altogether awful compared to some other highs. If you opt instead just to pick up a toad and lick the little bugger you’re running the chance of dying because c’mon. Can you think of any other drug you would take without dosing it at all? Is a lick a regulated dosage for any other substance you can think of? No, it isn’t. Trying it could get you an awesome hallucinogenic trip, or just cardiac arrest. So that’s a bummer.
Your average size container of hand sanitizer has about as much alcohol in it as 5 shots of hard liquor. Sounds like a reasonable way to get a buzz and ensure that if anyone makes out with you they won’t get cooties. The problem with getting blitzed on hand sanitizer is that they don’t tend to make it with the kind of alcohol you’re supposed to be drinking. Most is made with isopropyl alcohol, which can cause brain, kidney and liver damage, as well as blindness. Even Four Loko didn’t do that.
Other sanitizers may be made with ethyl alcohol, which is potentially delicious, unless someone denatured it to make it non-drinkable. Why would someone do that? Who knows, maybe to make hand sanitizer? Denatured alcohol has chemicals added to it to make it either disgusting or even more poisonous on the theory that it will stop you from drinking it. Unfortunately no one takes human derpishness into consideration when they do things like this.
The best reason to avoid drinking hand sanitizer is that it’s not a beverage. It makes as much sense as drinking lighter fluid or shampoo. It wasn’t meant to be inside you so when it does get in there, bad things are going to happen.
For a fun change of pace, ayahuasca is a substance that, technically, you’re supposed to drink. From deep in the Amazon (or just around the corner), ayahuasca is meant to take you on a spiritual journey. Yes, it’s psychoactive and yes it will trip you out. Users claim it can lead to great spiritual and even physical healing and enlightenment.
Made from various plants with a number of psychoactive properties, ayahuasca is used ritualistically and is to be administered by a skilled and trained shaman. Drinking it has reportedly changed people’s lives in a very literal way. One experience and their world outlook can do a 180. Villains can shed their shady paths and seek to become the best people they can be after learning the mysteries of the universe. The lost can gain insight and cure depression, alcoholism, even cancer, all with the help of the mystical properties of ayahuasca. It has its own tourism industry. Sounds awesome.
The downside is that taking ayahuasca can kill you. And using it means you need to put your trust in the person giving it to you, the person who will be watching you while you’re on your trip. These shaman are supposed to guide you on your journey, however there are stories of them also attacking and raping people after they’re under the influence as more and more fake shaman pop up to take advantage of tourists. People have died afterwards for unknown reasons, although the fact that ayahuasca can interact with numerous common drugs, such as Prozac, and can elevate heart rate and blood pressure are two good places to start looking.
There is no drug on the market today more insane than krokodil. No high can cost a person so much or be so awful. And yet people still use it. For every overdose out there, for every bad trip, nothing can hope to match the horror of krokodil because while those are all percentages and statistics to be weighed against the times nothing goes wrong for a meth addict or a crackhead, everyone who uses krokodil turns into the walking dead, for lack of a better term. Krokodil causes your body to literally rot while you’re still alive, exposing muscle down to bone and leaving you looking like a special effects nightmare wracked with pain. It’s the worst thing ever. Please don’t do it.
Krokodil can be made from over the counter codeine, iodine and phosphorus from matches. It gets its name because abuse of the drug turns your skin leathery and scaly like a crocodile. That’s the best side effect. The worst is the gangrene and severe tissue damage that it causes that can often only be fixed by amputation. So if the idea of your skin and muscle rotting off your bones sounds exciting to you, maybe give krokodil a try. If not, maybe avoid this one.