Woman Loses Control of Bodily Functions at 50 Shades Screening

So 50 Shades of Grey, despite critics and the literate despising it, has proven to be a massive phenomenon for those who are unaware porn or erotica actually exist out in the world.  It’s so big and so intense, in fact, that people are almost literally exploding over it.

Somewhere in Milton Keynes, across the pond in the UK, one moviegoer was so moved by the experience she proceeded to vomit all over the theatre before her other bodily functions followed suit, causing the entire theater to be shut down so it could be professionally cleaned.

The source story makes it clear she both vomited and lost bladder control, but it’s a bit of a game of “ how bad could that smell’ when you want to decide if she lost control of anything else since they weren’t super specific about it, if you’re into that kind of full and expansive knowledge.  Now they claim the reason behind this was that the woman was drunk, but I have an alternate theory.  I’m going to present you with a series of actual, 100% real quotes from the 50 Shades of Grey book (because I can’t pirate the movie yet)and see how many of these make you want to puke and/or crap yourself.

  • “He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor Popsicle…Hmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty…”
  • "And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain—probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells—comes the thought: He's here to see you."
  • "I am all gushing and breathy—like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the state of Washington."
  • "'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?' Holy s***! Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. 'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. Firstly, I don't make love. I f***... hard.'"  (Ed. Note – couldn’t get through typing this one without laughing)
  • "My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale."
  • “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”
  • "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And…  gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.”
  • And possibly the best line in the whole book - “I can tell from his accent that he’s British.”

This is just ridiculous, but is it barf worthy?  That tampon line is awfully close.