My drunk order at McDonald’s is as follows:
- 2 Bacon McDoubles
- One 20 piece McNugget
- 1 Medium fry
- Large Diet Coke (because with this order I’m watching my figure, obviously)
On any given drinking night I am able to crush all of the above within about five minutes, but if the McDonald’s was closed would I try fighting the workers into feeding me? No, and neither would you – you and I, despite being chronic weekend binge drinkers, are not portly wildebeests who moo at the sight of fried chicken. While we’d LIKE to eat two days’ worth of calories in one sitting, drunk-us still knows that going to bed hungry is better than channeling our inner Honey Boo-Boo.
As for this chick — remember how I said you and I aren’t portly mooing wildebeests?
Technically I can’t call her a portly mooing wildebeest either since it’s 2018 and implying someone is fat will get you sent to Guantanamo Bay and flogged, so instead I’ll say it sounds like she spent her night chugging Rikaloff and eating cigarettes. What is that voice? Because it’s not human. Honest to God she sounds like that worm from Men in Black trying to fake like it’s a human, hell she even moves like him too:
All in all, this is a new low for Amy Schumer – but at least she made it the whole 1:10 without talking about her vagina…unless “kebab” is a euphemism, in which case it’s back to the Serengeti for you!